Random Thoughts at 1 am

Ok well it’s 1:19 am and I can’t sleep. I have so much going on in my mind right now that I can’t shut it off. I just went and bought some Birthday stuff for Ashley. Today is her 21st Birthday so I bought flowers, a hoops & yoyo card, and her present and put it next to her bed so when she awakens in the morning she will have a little surprise. I wanted a balloon but who knew they stopped blowing those up at 10! So today I realized again how bad my anxiety is, they had a little party at work and I was very nervous. There were so many people I had never met before. I know I have no reason to be nervous but I can’t help it. I have grown so much since I’ve been here but I pray that my anxiety is something that grows less.

I have been so blessed lately with everything, I will most likely has all of my internship paid off by January or so I hope, now I have to focus on that $2,000 for the trips this year and roughly around $13,000 for next year. Right now I don’t know what I’m doing but I feel it’s going to involve traveling around. They have mentioned that next year they wanted a team of people to go to the training camps and bases to film and photograph! If they did do this I’d be all over this opportunity. Well after much prayer and fasting but I know my heart would be in it. I would understand if it wasn’t where God wanted me. Since I’ve been here I am positive that I belong in Missions work. I have such a passion that God has given me to help and serve. I also love the youth of this world so greatly I just want to see them have a burning passion, love and desire to serve the Lord any way possible! I would love for the kids to see that there’s more to this world than what America puts in front of us as our typical “American Dream”. You know what I’m an American who dreams for more than that. I want to serve the Lord and help change the world. In my eyes sharing God’s word is the way to change someone else’s world which is the greatest thing ever. I just want to glorify Him. Everything I’m doing here is for my Father in heaven.

Lately I have been struggling with self doubt, Vicki has really pointed some major things I’ve never thought effected me that much she has helped me with them of course. I have so many things to change and grown in. I feel God is telling me He has so much more for me! More than I know and can ever dream of, this excites me because he Has the same plan for everyone. I had a good talk with Phil the other day and I saw the mistakes that I had made in the relationship, a lot of them were with self doubt, and me always asuming the worst. A lot of this stuff is caused by Anxiety and Depression. I no longer have depression but I still get a little ( VERY LITTLE) anxiety around large groups of people I don’t know. Praise the Lord he is healing me and has taught me through those things. I don’t regret ever having them because of the lessons and values I’ve learned…plus I wouldn’t be here now!

•Here’s some pictures of my team and I on our trip down to Mexico, which by the way was AMAZING! God really showed me a lot on that trip.

My team I love them ALL!

Me in Mississippi (??) some weird beach! we needed a break from the car soooo this was it haha.

< self explanatory!

^^^The Market in Mexico ^^^^

Camping in LA! I didn’t like that state much.

Tonight was our BIG Christmas party for the Interns. It was so much fun and I loved seeing everyone dressed up so pretty. I will have to blog some pictures and more stories from tonight but as for now I’m going to try to sleep.

For Him,
Ashley