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Posted in General Articles
by Ashley King
on 5/7/2008
What will I have to Show...
What will I have to show 10 years from now?
Will I have a big house on the beach with a white picket fence?
Will I have the newest fastest car out?
Will my husband buy me diamonds and flowers every time we argue?
Will I go on monthly vacations to Hawaii?
Will my kids have all the toys and pleasures in the world?
Will I have everything the WORLD is telling me have?
No I won't in reality..why because I don't want those things.
The reality is, those things mean NOTHING. They are just things, just material, they won't last  forever. Once you're dead and gone those things will no longer matter.I highly doubt at your funeral someone will say on your behalf " well it sucks that BLAH BLAH is gone, what I loved most about them is their really big house, and money". (that's not what I want to be rememberd for!) I walk around confused because I've been brought up in a society that tells me I need to buy this or do this to make me happy. I get so angry when I process these things! What if we prevented this virus or society disease from spreading through out America? How would my high school kids act, if the magazine they were reading told them God was what they needed, instead of a new $300 phone? Honestly, I want to be part of this revolution that I see coming to life, I want to see those walls broken down. Americans are beginning to open their eyes, people are seeing there's more to life than what the WORLD tells us. There's more than just materials,more than anything a magazine or the world has to offer, there's a GOD who created us, who loves us no matter what. There's freedom in HIM and forgiveness, ultimate love, grace and understanding. Our father isn't too stuck up or busy to not be there for us. He isn't trying to impress us or buy us with the cool new gadgets. He is THERE and that's all we need.
What matters is the people around you. The relationships God places in front of you. Your neighbors, your bank teller, the guy who pumps your gas for you. Those are the relationships that matter. Here I walk around so embarrassed or scared to talk to these people. At times I even think I'm to good to talk to the guy who is staring at me with one tooth in his mouth. What am I thinking? Too good, too embarrassed.. If Jesus walked around thinking and feeling these things we'd all be screwed.
I heard a couple speak today at AIM . They were truly inspiring. I didn't even know them and yet I was on the brink of crying. The words they spoke were encouragement that this is what I want to do with my life. The most incredible thing I think I heard today was the words of the others around them, their friends who knew them. I heard over and over how strong their faith is. They had almost unspoken faith, faith so strong that those who don't know Christ would call them insane for doing some of the things they did. Like giving their house away, YES GIVING! This is the faith I want. I want to undoubtedly know that God will provide for me, and will guide me where I want. I just need to open my eyes, and be willing. The woman had also said how in the hard times they would look up instead of looking down or pointing fingers. This is how sin starts, when you point fingers all the other feelings come into to play ( jealousy, anger, gossip, and so on). They would look up and allow God to use the circumstance to teach them. I felt convicted when she spoke these words. I feel I always point fingers, but mainly at myself. Allowing myself to be brought down giving the enemy a perfect chance to attack me.
Well hopefully this isn't TOO long for anyone to read. I'm trying to keep it short. I am mailing my support/newsletter soon if you'd like one email me your address
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Posted in General Articles
by Ashley King
on 4/30/2008
· Please Pray for my Aunt Vickie (she's the beautiful woman in the far left)- She has been battling cancer for a while now. The chemo therapy she was receiving is no longer working. Her current Doctor has recommended that she seeks further help at another clinic. I am asking that those of you who read my blog please lift her up in prayer so that she can defeat this once and for all. She is the only Aunt I have on my fathers side and has always been there for me.She has been such an impact on my life as well as my sisters! I look up to her so much and admire her. My entire family loves her deeply.
· Pray for me father he has just had surgery for a hernia and is in the process of recovering. He also needs help around the house and with my two dogs.
· Pray about my plans for this summer- I have applied for a summer paid internship at my church to work with the youth group. Pray that I can get clarification as to where God wants me to be, and for the leaders to have wise discernment on making that choice if I belong there or not.
· FINANCIAL SUPPORT- I am sending out a support letter very soon. Pray that I can get a good turn out for this. I have 12 months to raise the money I need. I know God wants me to be in Africa next year I just have to wait for Him to open those doors for me.
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Posted in General Articles
by Ashley King
on 4/19/2008
 These past few weeks have been a crazy ride for me. Words can't even
begin to explain what has happened. We have had several nights of
intense worship and prayer. Some were nights I'll never forget. I had
received visions from God of what was to come for next year. I had
gotten a vision of Africa and within that was hurt everywhere, everyone
was crying, kids were starving, families were broken, it was a pure
hectic scene. I wasn't sure what all of this meant so Driver had wanted
us to go into this sort of "trans" again. I had cleared my head
completely and asked God to tell me what this meant. I saw and heard
the words "Becca belongs in Africa". It was very strange, I couldn't
tell if this was something my brain was making up or what, but I had
really heard this voice. It was a very simple, humble, quiet voice of a
little child. It was soothing to listen to. I had asked this calm voice
"what was to come with Seth?" than I heard the word "Office" Shortly
after I had gotten that Driver told me to get up. So than we sat
around and talked about these things. I was honestly freaked out
because Seth had basically seen the same things I had. Becca said she
saw that I belonged in Africa in the Awakening. I just thought that was
hog wash, in no way shape or form did I want to be part of that, part
of me felt I was more mature than the kids who were going. In the end,
Becca is becoming a servant leader on the FYM Africa Awakening trip,
Seth is going to be working in the office very closely with Jeff Goins.
When we were done with this I'm not sure how this subject came up but
it ended with me explaining why I didn't feel comfortable in the dark.
Ashley Hall had just been gone for a while and I had the room to myself
but I slept with all the lights on. During this time I was terrified of
the darkness, not because I thought a monster was going to come after
me but because I felt something pure evil in the dark that was waiting
for me. It was something I was quit embarrassed to share with the
group. But they all understood , and took it very well. Driver than
came up with this idea that he wanted to do the baptism of the holy
spirit. I had never heard of this but he explained it as the process of
bringing the holy spirit out more in each individual. I had decided to
give it a shot. Something strange happened shortly after,  Driver went
next door to get Kayla, Ashley, and their friend to help us. While he
was there I become very upset and angry. I had no idea why, but I was
just so angry at every person in the room and even the ones who
weren't. During this baptism of the holy spirit God had showed me that
I have this natural wall up around my heart. I give love out to others
but don't allow anyone to love me back. I've been hurt so much in my
past by those who were closest to me that I've learned to do this with
out thinking about it. He had taken me to the beach and had me become
completely calm and I had started walking with God. He was this totally
chill guy who had dreads, board shorts, and a white button up shirt on.
He was completely a surfer type you'd see in a movie. He had within a
second disappeared. All that was left of Him was His foot prints in the
sand, so I had started running towards those prints and following them,
that lead to me running as hard and fast as I could as night and day
were flying by. (Now I've never read that "Footprints" poem but my
guess is it has something to deal with that haha.) After that Kayla and
Driver came near me and prayed over me. Kayla had said the words that
set in confirmation that I still had things I needed to fix. Some where
a long the lines of me needing to allow God to love me, and letting
others do the same. After all of this happened I was still very angry
and upset. I had just wanted everyone to leave my apartment so I could
be alone. Finally God revealed to me what the "darkness" meant to me.
It was a the enemy's way of waiting for me, trying to pull me back
into my old life style. That life style of a downward spiral that lead
me to a life filled of nothing,hate and complete emptiness. After all
the praying was done Seth was literally on the floor laughing so hard,
Becca was crying her heart out, and Ashley was very calm. I was still
upset and seeing all this, and how the holy spirit had worked in them
made me even angrier. The next morning I had woke up feeling the same,
I hadn't talked to anyone about the night or how I felt. I was worried
of what the others would say. I was like this for a couple of days not
knowing why I had felt this way. Finally it hit me like a brick wall. I
was angry, and just mad at the other interns. I was jealous of what
they had. At that time they knew what they were doing the next year
coming, some had been offered jobs in the office and others were
planning on going out on the field. It made me feel horrible I felt I
had worked so hard this year and gotten no where but I got a gold star
for trying. This made me even more upset. I had never tried this hard
at anything. Most things were just "whatever" in my book, but I am
trying so hard to change all of that because a life of "whatever" isn't
what I want. I was angry at myself, I hated myself, I felt like a
failure. I failed at something that you can't "technically" fail at,
serving God. On that Wednesday we had decided to go camping with the
world racers at their training camp. On the way there I choose to drive
with Caroline because at that point I was about to kill one of the
interns. Plus I knew I  needed to talk to someone about how I felt
because bottling this all up wasn't good. In the car her and I had a
very serious conversation. She was amazing at helping me out and
telling me some of the things she had gone through was currently at the
moment that related. When we arrived at the camp site, we had walked
around for a while and explored at that point I was feeling a little
bit better from my talk with Caroline. After a few hours the World
Racers had a bonfire going and in that a huge log across it. The were
all laying down something that had been holding them back from growing
closer to God in their relationship. It was inspiring to hear some of
the things they were struggling with. Here in my head this whole year I
had thought I couldn't do the World Race because I don't know enough,
I am still a mess , and I have all these issues to deal with. Than
Driver felt the need when they were done to call us interns a side as
long with some of the staff we are close to in the office. He had
wanted up to lay down the things that were standing in our way of
growing closer to God. It was very hard at first but I knew and felt
that God wanted me to lay it all down. I am so broken that there's not
even pieces to pick up, I'm basically dust at this point. One by one
the other interns laid down their cares, worries, and troubles giving
them all to God. Finally it hit me, I was so nervous I didn't even know
what I was saying. I finally started speaking laying one thing down at
a time, I became a mess and cried more than I ever had in front of
people. There was literally a water fall of snot and tears running down
my face. I had laid down my past relationships, my anger and hate
towards the people I love most ( not just the interns), my bad body
images, and asked God to break that wall to my heart and allow me to
let others including Him love me. I have so much more I could add to
that list but at the moment that's all God wanted me to work on. I felt
so free and liberated after that. I had truly felt God there and
working in all of us. I began praying for others and I realized in the
beginning of this internship I WOULD HAVE NEVER OF DONE THAT! I found a
love I have for praying for others, and they aren't even my words. I
just let the Holy Spirit take control and tell me what to say. That
night was by far the best night I've had here in a while. In the mist
of all of this clarification and liberation I felt something else
happening to me. I felt true happiness and I knew what I wanted to do.
I want to become part of the Africa Awakening team as a participant I
had completely forgotten all my pride and stubborness . I want to build
such strong relationships with these people that I can completely  and
fully be there for them. I want to serve God in Africa. All in this is
me being worried, worried I'll be forgotten by my friends at home.
Another year away from home… another year of serving God and feeling
somewhat alone. I've learned that I depend on people to help me with my
self image problems. I need to stop doing this, they don't have the
right to tell me who I am, only God has that authority. When I was
younger my friends would constantly push me out, if I wasn't the center
of attention than I was being pushed out and ignored. I had troubles
growing close to girls, I didn't understand them and how some had
multiple personalities it seems. Some will be completely nice to your
face than turn their back and talk about you. That's why I always hung
out with more guys than girls. I'm not saying I was perfect as a kid I
was by far the most confusing and horrible little monster ever. Well
tonight something along those lines happened, I wasn't sure how to
respond and I got angry and slightly jealous. I felt like someone had
started pushing me away and a door was being closed in my face. That
wasn't the case at all it was just my past blinding me and me doing
things with out noticing I'm doing them. I am still trying to process
all of this and I'm still learning. I am learning God will never be
finished pruning me, He is constantly working on something and making
me better. I've learned that these habits I do without noticing need to
be broken and torn down. I've learned that people don't make up my
identity, the things I accomplish don't make up my identity, I don't
make up my identity, and most importantly the things I fail at don't
make up my identity. God is the one who molds me and shapes me, He is
the one who has control over my identity. Of course I could take this
into my own hands and shape myself but that'd be a empty and selfish
life, I wouldn't be who I am today if I did that. In all of this I am
still not done growing and being pruned.
 1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain
in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it
must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain
in me. 5"I am the vine;
you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear
much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If
anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away
and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and
burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. 9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I
no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his
master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything
that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You
did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear
fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you
ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other. - John 15:1-17.
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Posted in General Articles
by Ashley King
on 3/5/2008
 Lately I've noticed how I see God working in my life. He is most certainly teaching me. As to what he's teaching me I can't quite pin point. I am doing back flips and bending over backwards here, all while being broken down. I know for a fact that this year is the good kick in the butt I needed. Before my life was very easy going and care free, now.. I have something to care about. MY GOD! I care so much that I am dedicating a year of my life to Him and doing His work. This makes me so happy you have no idea. I know at times though working in the office is so unbearable I just can't stand it. But it's those times I have to remember that I am not doing this to please myself or anyone else on this earth. I'm doing it for God. After coming to those terms I have to say I'm pretty thrilled with the work God has given me to do in the office. It's stretching me and helping me focus more on what I need to do in life to actually accomplish something. It's a good feeling to know that this is going to help me with my future. I'm excited to see exactly how it helps.
We have received some good news in the office. Well the interns have, we have a chance to become a servant leader on an Ambassadors trip. With that trip they are going to pay for us to go!! I'm so excited about this experience and yet I haven't picked a trip that I want to serve yet. I really want to focus on my location areas Philippines, Thailand, and India. I have been praying about this a lot and dwelling on the thought as well. I would really love to become a servant leader on a Real Life trip. I would love to serve for two months out on the field. I have been talking this over with my leaders and they have to check to see if it's something that's possible. Till I know the answer I'm just going to continue to pray and see where ever God wants me most, because that's where I want to be.
 So here lately I've been thinking a lot about my future and trying to figure out where God wants me. I'm not sure to be honest. I feel like I should be out on the field serving but at the same time I want to go to school and live a normal life. Ha it's so funny to think about because I know it's what I WANT! Not what GOD WANTS! I know God has plans for me I just need them to be revealed to me. At the same time I don't know if I feel I should be out on the field because, it's kind of this idea I have in my head that if I'm not serving God on the field than I'm not a good person. I'm not sure how to word that exactly. I do know that I can serve God anywhere I am but it's just this thought that's engraved it's self in my head. I just want my parents to be proud of me where ever God places me. I also don't want them having to financially support me anymore, I want to be able to carry my own weight. That all comes with my pride I believe. The pride that I have, because I want to be independent. I have been praying and considering applying for the World Race in January 2009. I'll be 21 than and it's an 11 month long adventure for God. Everything I read about it, the stories, the magazine articles, and just hearing about it excites me in everyway possible. I would love to be a part of something so big and amazing like this. I love the fact that's it's a very free going experience and there are no leaders. The team does all the ministry a lone and just let's God completely lead them. I love the thought of that. I would love to go on a world trip and just serve God the entire time and preach His word to who every crosses my path. Well where ever God leads me next year I know it will me an adventure in it's own.
We watched a video the other day about miracles. It was so fascinating to me because to think that something God can do happens within an instant in front of your eyes! I've witnessed one miracle when I was younger. It was an experience in it's own. I was doing an outreach with my church, we went to an old persons home to just love and pray for the people in there. I was paired up with this guy Albert, he was about 17 at the time and very strong in his walk with the Lord. He and I talked with this 70 something yr old man. This man had been shot in a war and hadn't been able to walk since. So Albert and I started praying for him. Albert lead and was very passionate while he was praying, the exact words he said I can't remember. But I remember looking up at him and the older man and just being in awe of what was happening. At that time my faith wasn't so strong so this was all new to me. Finally Albert said "In the name of God stand up and walk" and at that moment the man hesitated a little but thought he would try to stand. He had stood up and his face was in complete shock he had placed one foot out and tried to walk. He had a hard time from what I can remember ( after not standing or walking for so many years I guess it was normal) but he had taken about 2 or 3 steps till a nurse had came over and made him sit. She wasn't so happy with what was going on. But the old man had started crying and kept saying thank you to all of us and to Albert. I'm not to sure this is classified as a miracle but there's no explanations or reasoning to describe what had happened that day. I know it will always be an unexplained thing that happened there but God was surely there that day. The video had some interesting footage of things that  were happening around the world. People being brought back to life, people who've been blind or deaf their whole life suddenly hearing and seeing. They had also showed some places in China were being a Christian isn't so much socially accepted but they were still going to houses ( their churches) and praising God for 4 or more hours! Could you imagine what the America would be like if we were persecuted for our beliefs. I believe the people who call their selves Christians would have faith that was unbreakable. People would look at suffering for God as a great thing because to suffer for God or die for your faith is something that is so rewarding in heaven. I feel like it would almost be a good thing if America had restrictions on what we could believe. Christians would go to their secrete little churches and worship and read God's word for hours on end they would never have a enough God. Something I had asked my high school youth group girls about was if we were persecuted for our religion would they still believe in God and none of them could really answer. At that time I didn't really know what my answer would be, but I know now that God has given me a purpose and those girls one so He would be present in our lives even if something this horrible were going on. We would just pursue Him with so much more than we do now. For in my eyes if you have nothing in your life and you aren't influenced by the world than you have more to give God than anything. But because we have the worldly things and influences from all over saying we need to be financially stable, get married and so forth that we get to caught up in it all we forget about God and the things He's given us. Well I leave with this God is doing such amazing things out in this world and He's revealing Himself to people all over the world. For that I am so enthralled and I will keep dedicating my life to Him and His works. |
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Posted in General Articles
by Ashley King
on 2/29/2008
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 Awaken to the Adventure
Disciples aren't born; they're made. It's a process that takes time, discipline, and God. In reality, it looks more like waking up than attending a class.
As part of The Awakening, you can undergo a discipleship program like no other, experiencing four months of intense training in another country to prepare you for the ministry that awaits you for the rest of the year.
Join The Awakening
 Your mornings will be spent in training and your afternoons ministering in local communities, activating what you've learned. In the context of experiential learning, you will be discipled by mentors who want to see you grow deeply in your faith.
You will be part of a community of other individuals who share your passion and desire to come alive in Christ. This time will challenge and stretch you in new ways, and you will never be the same.
 Become a part of The Awakening in either Latin America or Africa and discover your role in the kingdom of God.
You were made for greatness, to experience the abundant life and freedom that Jesus promised. As they awaken, current participants are saying:
I don't think that I will ever have such an opportunity to give up all of myself and all of my expectations as I do here. (Emily Tissot, Latin America)
 The Bible study has... turned into a church. So, we have church at noon Tuesday-Friday under the tree in front of the market. I love watching as people just bring their stool/chair/water container... and join in the singing. We are going through the book of Galatians, and it is cool to see how freedom is effecting their hearts. (Denise Eckert, Africa)
For more on The Awakening, visit the First-Year Missionary website. |
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Posted in General Articles
by Ashley King
on 2/12/2008
 I had missed work today because I had a horrible headache and couldn't move or really even see. I had decided I couldn't go to work like that because well... I wouldn't work. Plus I am in the middle of a very different transition. I have never really felt this way before and I'm not sure how to describe it. I had all these skeletons in my closet and I feel I need to let them out, inside of shoving them back in there. It's almost like putting a band aid on a cut, just cause it's covered up doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I am just handing over all that hurt, pain,and suffering to God. He wants me to forgive myself for everything I've done to myself, for putting myself in situations, for making all the mistakes that lead me astray from Him, from hurting the people in my life who cared most about me. When God forgives us He has washed our slate clean. This doesn't mean He has forgotten what we did, just He chooses not to bring it up in a negative way. If my Father God has forgiven me for my sins, than why can't I forgive myself? Well simply because I am human. We as humans see forgiveness has a way or forgetting something. Once I forgive myself for the past it doesn't mean my brain will be washed clean of those thoughts, but it does mean I won't bring those things up in a negative way, or I won't let Satan use those things as a way of bringing me down. They were simply the ways of me ending up where I am now with my faith,and my God. I can only rejoice and thank God for those things because with out them
I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't have faith this strong, I wouldn't know
what is it like to hurt the way I did and feel God in those times. I went through all of this stuff
for a reason and He will reveal that to me soon. Forgiving myself doesn't mean I am let off the hook or does it justify what I did. All this energy I am using to harbor anger, hatred, and resentment towards myself is a waste in my eyes, this is energy I should be using on my relationship with God! I could only imagine what it would be like if this energy was focused on God.
Today when I had woke up from my nap my head was still spinning and hurting from my headache but I had wanted something to eat. So I wanted something that would make me happy. Moe's was the first place I thought of. I map quested it and found one that was only 17.79 miles away. I know that it was a good 20 -30 min drive, but I choose to take that drive. Driving for me is a form of therapy, it helps me process things. I took that drive and felt bad at first because I wanted to spend the day with God, and instead I had chosen to get something for myself. After the first 5 minuntes of thinking that, I thought " I don't have to be home to spend time with God, I can be ANYWHERE! And God wants me to be happy". I had basically spent time worshiping Him, and talking to Him. I sang songs, drove and let God speak to me through the music and my surroundings. After driving for a while I looked at my surroundings. Everything was so perfect, I was in the mountains in the middle of no where, there were small farms in the sides of these winding roads. In those farms were horses and cows eating grass, they were all so peaceful and perfectly placed. The sun was setting and the lighting on the mountainous land was absolutely amazing. God was surely with me and He was showing me all His beauty. The beauty that I needed to see, a way of knowing He was with me. He knew what I was going through and He knew most of all where my heart was. I needed this more than anything today. I laugh when I think of this, who knew I'd find God on a trip to Moe's? haha.
Last night for our Monday night session we changed things a bit, to spice things up more if you will. Driver ( our RA or leader while Dave & Vicki are gone) had said he felt God wanted us to pray for each other. At first I was thinking " oh man I have to pray out loud!" and I defiantly didn't want to let my team know this dark place of where I was. So Becca started us off and did amazing, she just opened up to us and I greatly thank her for that. I was worried it was going to just be people needing prayer for issues not to deep. Anyways, the whole team was very opened with each other and everyone pored themselves out to one another. I had prayed out loud and didn't even think about what I was going to say, I just let God take control of my wheel. I wasn't nervous at all or even stressed about it. It made me see how much I love my team, they are some of the most amazing people I've ever met! Even though we all don't get a long sometimes we all have something to bring to the table in our friendships with each other. We can all learn something from one another. What one of us lacks or is trying to build up, the other one of us has, so we all defiantly needed that this year I feel. When it was my turn to say what I needed prayer for, I didn't know where to begin, I was so tired my eyes were shutting, and I defiantely didn't say everything I needed prayer for. But I had talked about my struggles with food, and my body image. How I'm getting to a place of being so unhappy with my appearance again that I will resort to not eating to get back to where I'm happy with myself. I had also talked about how I need help opening up to people, I'm trying to reach out to 2 women right now, who I know have something I can learn from them. If I want to be dicispled this year I need to put myself in a position to be dicispled. I want to be comfortable enough to just go up to them or anyone for that fact and tell them when I'm struggling and when I need prayer. Now none of this has anything to deal with pride, because I'm pretty much an open book, you can ask me anything and I'll answer it honestly. It's just more of who I am, I get nervous in situations like that. Well anyways the group prayed for me and I felt nothing at the time. I actually felt worse when I went to sleep, and this morning wasn't good at all. But Driver had said in the begining sometimes it take time for God to work in us ( I know this for a fact it has taken me over 6 months of praying and reaching out to God to be at peace with my ex). I can say that right now I feel amazing! I am happy and filled with joy. I can't wait to read His word, rejoice and thank Him. I have so much to thank Him for. What do you have that you can thank God for?
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Posted in General Articles
by Ashley King
on 2/6/2008
 This moment in life I have to say hasn't been smooth. There are more bumps and pot holes in my path than I thought. Granted they are being fixed and soon a new path will appear. If there's one thing I'm certain about it's who I am, but at this moment if someone would ask me who I was I don't believe I could answer that question. I find myself second guessing everything from my being here all the way to the words that came out of my mouth a second ago. I just don't know anything anymore. I thought I knew enough to get me by but slowly I'm finding that I don't. I don't know if it's all part of being broken down but boy… I'll tell you what, if God is breaking me down more I'm afraid their will be nothing left of me. I'm broken in every way possible, I just want God to fill me back up again . Maybe there's more walls to be broken down than I thought. I for sure don't know. We don't seem to see our problems or emotional boundaries until they SMACK us in the face. I'm not so worried about what others think of me anymore or what they may say behind my back. I'm more worried about my relationship with my Father, the King of all Kings, the Lord of all Lords, the Almighty powerful God.
I know that everyone comes to times when the question their faith and their life, I just don't understand why this point in time has been going on so long. I know the cause all starts with my emotions, and my feelings. Like at the moment I feel very hopeless and disconnected from God ( make that everyone!). Hopelessness has grasp me in it's grips and I know that's the devils playground. That's his way of coming back into my life and sowing these seeds of doubt. Doubt, Doubt, Doubt we hear that word a lot when it comes to people and their faith but have you ever taken the time to really think about that word. We use it so loosely when it comes to our faith I mean doubt the word basically means to distrust something, or to be skeptical. A word I think fits better for the state of mind I'm in, with my faith is a mental reservation, or my unstated DOUBT that prevents me from following my faith wholeheartedly. I mean doubt is still involved but I am not completely skeptical or distrusting God.. I am more less questioning my myself and my faith. I know there is a God and His son Jesus Christ died for our sins. I'm having more of an issue with letting my self completely die and giving it all to God without QUESTION or reservation. From all this "doubting my faith" it has given the devil more room to bring out habits or instincts and thought processes. A lot of my "old habits" are coming up again from when I was younger, I am letting these thoughts destroy who I am today. If I do that I will end up the same old Ashley as before. I have questioned my being here in Gainesville many times since I've been back. There were many times I was ready to just pack up and leave, it has nothing to deal with anyone but myself and my "thoughts" or should I say lies that the enemy has sown in my brain. In the end I had to think about it and what it meant, to me it'd be me walking away from something God wants/told me to do, walking away from my faith, walking away from something once again without completing it, and worst of all letting Satan win this fight. All in which I am not ready to let happen! I am going to stay here and fight for my faith and for my God. I know God is with me at all times I just wish at moments like these He would reveal Himself to me in some way or another. I know though that He is watching and He is observing how hard and fast I'm running after Him.
I have an opportunity to be a servant leader on a trip of my picking ( with approval though of course!) but I feel as though I am in no state of mind to make that choice yet. I know for a fact that the cost of the trip would be an issue. I was considering trying to be on the World Race next year in January, which that is about $14,000 for a missions trip 11 months and 11 different countries with more blessing and memories than money can buy. If I do decide to go on this trip and I am accepted, there would be no way I could afford to do the servant leader position. If I did go as a servant leader I know I would want to go to either Thailand or Philippines. For now though I am giving it to God and letting Him choose my path. I just pray it's not to late by than. I don't know what's to come ahead of me and it's pretty scary, this internship is flying by quickly and I feel as though I have not grown spiritually enough, or where I'd hope to be by now. I am currently trying to get "back on track" with my reading and devotion times daily. I'm just a strong believer in not letting my devotions become a habit or worst of letting my faith drift into that place! I want to read God's word because I want to read it! I found myself reading the bible more when I was at home, and in the beginning of this internship. After the 1st semester though I wasn't reading much at all. I know I can not think of it as work though that's the first thing. I also don't have a set time everyday where I read His word, I just wing it if you will. I'm a very go with the flow kind of person. So when I come home from work and I want to read I will jump into it and let the Lord show me what He wants to teach me that day. I have been reading ( well the last few days anyways) and all caught up on the year bible, I am so excited because I have read the Bible before just didn't remember it ( I was very young and in school). Ashley Hall Connie and I are all reading it and this Thursday we are going to Olive Garden to talk about it. I am so excited for Olive Garden as well!! I am happy that we will get to sit down and talk about, because I'm a very visual and fact kind of person, so if I don't know the smallest thing it could confuse me on the whole story. Well this has gone completely off topic.
I would like to apologize to everyone here in Gainesville at this moment, for I know my bad attitude and depression hasn't been so nice to deal with. I have been more snappy lately on top of that and I have cried many tears over all this because I feel bad even when I say sorry about it. I had let the enemy get the worst of me and in spite I took it out on those around me. Once again I am sorry, there's not much else to say but that I just pray you can forgive and forget those things because that's not WHO I AM.
Well for now my readers I am off to bed and I will be posting soon, hopefully I will be past all this and God will reveal Himself to me once again.
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Posted in General Articles
by Ashley King
on 1/12/2008
 Well today is my 20th Birthday.
I'm excited and I'm trying to have a good attitude. I usually end up a
little grumpy on my Birthday because I've had really bad Birthday
experiences. haha well this time last year I was getting tattooed and I
was watching the man I loved get his sleeve done.. we were driving up
to NC to spend time with his family. It's so hard to forget that kind
of stuff. I am fine with all of this now.. it's just like images in my
head. I'm going to see the new Veggie Tales movie!!
I'm so excited you have no idea..I've been waiting for this movie to
come out since summer. I love computer animation movies and cartoons so
much. It just makes me happy. Than I am driving Ashley Hall to the
airport :( She has to get stitches out of her foot so make sure you PRAY
for her safety!! I'm going to miss her, she is defiantly a person here
who makes me feel good about being who I am. It's hard to explain but
so many times I feel judged here and I feel that some people don't
approve of who I am. I am learning not to worry what others say or
think about me but it's hard because I am such a sensitive person.I
feel right now like there is just a BIG lesson behind all these
feelings. People are going to talk about me, they are going to judge me
and make fun of me for the things I do or the things I believe, I just
need to be confident with who I AM IN CHRIST.
I kinda felt like turning and going back home while driving back up
here but I know I want to finish this.. I have to finish this. It's so
easy to turn and run away. I want to finish this and than go where ever
God leads me too next. I'm excited to see where that is, I'm just
patiently waiting for God's next step, for His guidance. This all goes
with my favorite verse.
Psalms 119:105 " Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path"
 So I came into the office Friday, to find that Connie Rock had left me some presents for Christmas! She is an amazing person and it was so nice of her to get me something. I got the coolest things from her. Among the coolest were... a pooping penguin, a lot of CANDY!!! andd the best... a Hello Kitty Toaster!! Seriously I've wanted one of these things forever I feel like. I want the whole Hello Kitty kitchen set! haha when I move out on my own, my whole kitchen will be Hello Kitty. I am seriously the biggest kid I know.. and I'm ok with that. I'm becoming completely okay with the fact that God made me a BIG KID haha. I am just happy I find joy in all the small things life brings.
I'd like to thank my mother for haveing me today.. and going through all that for me <33 She is an amazing woman and God has blessed me so much to give me a Mother who loves me and supports me.
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Posted in General Articles
by Ashley King
on 1/8/2008
 God is showing us His love and beauty with the world around us. We just need to chase after Him with all we have.
Father when I need you the most I can never seem to find you.It's almost like a test or trial, to see how hard and fast we run after God when we don't feel Him. There's no greater feeling in the world than when you finally get over that feeling of being a lone, doubt, or just not hearing the Lord, because when it's over your faith is stronger than it was before. I just need to trust in You and all will be fine.
I've been writing a lot lately, it's not very good but I'm going to post something. It's not a poem or anything, I'd say more just random thoughts, feelings, and emotions thrown together.
Losing
Life is one big blur
Everything is going by so fast
I am left behind, a lone to cough in this dust.
I need your guidance
I need your words.
I haven't been faithful to you my Lord.
I ask for forgiveness and I ask for your Love.
God please show me the right path.
I feel so blinded by these worldly things
I'm afraid I feel the enemy is winning this battle
He is striking my emotions
He knows where to hit
Every arrow he throws just hits my core
I feel the pain intensifying I feel my soul crying.
I fear my heart is shattered and needs to be placed in yours hands.
I feel so a lone God please show me Your love.
Father please speak words of truth to me.
Oh Lord please shield my eyes and this heart from this world, and from the enemy.
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Posted in General Articles
by Ashley King
on 12/15/2007
 Ok well it's 1:19 am and I can't sleep. I have so much going on in my mind right now that I can't shut it off. I just went and bought some Birthday stuff for Ashley. Today is her 21st Birthday so I bought flowers, a hoops & yoyo card, and her present and put it next to her bed so when she awakens in the morning she will have a little surprise. I wanted a balloon but who knew they stopped blowing those up at 10! So today I realized again how bad my anxiety is, they had a little party at work and I was very nervous. There were so many people I had never met before. I know I have no reason to be nervous but I can't help it. I have grown so much since I've been here but I pray that my anxiety is something that grows less.
I have been so blessed lately with everything, I will most likely has all of my internship paid off by January or so I hope, now I have to focus on that $2,000 for the trips this year and roughly around $13,000 for next year. Right now I don't know what I'm doing but I feel it's going to involve traveling around. They have mentioned that next year they wanted a team of people to go to the training camps and bases to film and photograph! If they did do this I'd be all over this opportunity. Well after much prayer and fasting but I know my heart would be in it. I would understand if it wasn't where God wanted me. Since I've been here I am positive that I belong in Missions work. I have such a passion that God has given me to help and serve. I also love the youth of this world so greatly I just want to see them have a burning passion, love and desire to serve the Lord any way possible! I would love for the kids to see that there's more to this world than what America puts in front of us as our typical "American Dream". You know what I'm an American who dreams for more than that. I want to serve the Lord and help change the world. In my eyes sharing God's word is the way to change someone else's world which is the greatest thing ever. I just want to glorify Him. Everything I'm doing here is for my Father in heaven.
 Lately I have been struggling with self doubt, Vicki has really pointed some major things I've never thought effected me that much she has helped me with them of course. I have so many things to change and grown in. I feel God is telling me He has so much more for me! More than I know and can ever dream of, this excites me because he Has the same plan for everyone. I had a good talk with Phil the other day and I saw the mistakes that I had made in the relationship, a lot of them were with self doubt, and me always asuming the worst. A lot of this stuff is caused by Anxiety and Depression. I no longer have depression but I still get a little ( VERY LITTLE) anxiety around large groups of people I don't know. Praise the Lord he is healing me and has taught me through those things. I don't regret ever having them because of the lessons and values I've learned...plus I wouldn't be here now!
•Here's some pictures of my team and I on our trip down to Mexico, which by the way was AMAZING! God really showed me a lot on that trip.
My team I love them ALL!
Me in Mississippi (??) some weird beach! we needed a break from the car soooo this was it haha.
< self explanatory!
^^^The Market in Mexico ^^^^
Camping in LA! I didn't like that state much.
Tonight was our BIG Christmas party for the Interns. It was so much fun and I loved seeing everyone dressed up so pretty. I will have to blog some pictures and more stories from tonight but as for now I'm going to try to sleep.
For Him,
Ashley
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