I had missed work today because I had a horrible headache and couldn't move or really even see. I had decided I couldn't go to work like that because well... I wouldn't work.  Plus I am in the middle of a very different transition.  I have never really felt this way before and I'm not sure how to describe it. I had all these skeletons in my closet and I feel I need to let them out, inside of shoving them back in there. It's almost like putting a band aid on a cut, just cause it's covered up doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I am just handing over all that hurt, pain,and suffering to God.  He wants me to forgive myself for everything I've done to myself, for putting myself in situations, for making all the mistakes that lead me astray from Him, from hurting the people in my life who cared most about me. When God forgives us He has washed our slate clean. This doesn't mean He has forgotten what we did, just He chooses not to bring it up in a negative way. If my Father God has forgiven me for my sins, than why can't I forgive myself? Well simply because I am human. We as humans see forgiveness has a way or forgetting something. Once I forgive myself for the past it doesn't mean my brain will be washed clean of those thoughts, but it does mean I won't bring those things up in a negative way, or I won't let Satan use those things as a way of bringing me down. They were simply the ways of me ending up where I am now with my faith,and my God. I can only rejoice and thank God for those things because with out them
I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't have faith this strong, I wouldn't know
what is it like to hurt the way I did and feel God in those times. I went through all of this stuff
for a reason and He will reveal that to me soon. Forgiving myself doesn't mean I am let off the hook or does it justify what I did. All this energy I am using to harbor anger, hatred, and resentment towards myself is a waste in my eyes, this is energy I should be using on my relationship with God! I could only imagine what it would be like if this energy was focused on God.

 Today when I had woke up  from my nap my head was still spinning and hurting from my headache but I had wanted something to eat. So I wanted something that would make me happy. Moe's was the first place I thought of. I map quested it and found one that was only 17.79 miles away. I know that it was a good 20 -30 min drive, but I choose to take that drive. Driving for me is a form of therapy, it helps me process things. I took that drive and felt bad at first because I wanted to spend the day with God, and instead I had chosen to get something for myself.  After the first 5 minuntes of thinking that, I thought " I don't have to be home to spend time with God, I can be ANYWHERE! And God wants me to be happy". I had basically spent time worshiping Him, and talking to Him. I sang songs, drove and let God speak to me through the music and my surroundings. After driving for a while I looked at my surroundings. Everything was so perfect, I was in the mountains in the middle of no where, there were small farms in the sides of these winding roads. In those farms were horses and cows eating grass, they were all so peaceful and perfectly placed. The sun was setting and the lighting on the mountainous land was absolutely amazing. God was surely with me and He was showing me all His beauty. The beauty that I needed to see, a way of knowing He was with me. He knew what I was going through and He knew most of all where my heart was.  I needed this more than anything today. I laugh when I think of this, who knew I'd find God on a trip to Moe's? haha.

  Last night for our Monday night session we changed things a bit, to spice things up more if you will. Driver ( our RA or leader while Dave & Vicki are gone) had said he felt God wanted us to pray for each other. At first I was thinking " oh man I have to pray out loud!" and I defiantly didn't want to let my team know this dark place of where I was. So Becca started us off and did amazing, she just opened up to us and I greatly thank her for that. I was worried it was going to just be people needing prayer for issues not to deep. Anyways, the whole team was very opened with each other and everyone pored themselves out to one another. I had prayed out loud and didn't even think about what I was going to say, I just let God take control of my wheel. I wasn't nervous at all or even stressed about it. It made me see how much I love my team, they are some of the most amazing people I've ever met! Even though we all don't get a long sometimes we all have something to bring to the table in our friendships with each other. We can all learn something from one another. What one of us lacks or is trying to build up, the other one of us has, so we all defiantly needed that this year I feel. When it was my turn to say what I needed prayer for, I didn't know where to begin, I was so tired my eyes were shutting, and I defiantely didn't say everything I needed prayer for. But I had talked about my struggles with food, and my body image. How I'm getting to a place of being so unhappy with my appearance again that I will resort to not eating to get back to where I'm happy with myself. I had also talked about how I need help opening up to people, I'm trying to reach out to 2 women right now, who I know have something I can learn from them. If I want to be dicispled this year I need to put myself in a position to be dicispled. I want to be comfortable enough to just go up to them or anyone for that fact and tell them when I'm struggling and when I need prayer. Now none of this has anything to deal with pride, because I'm pretty much an open book, you can ask me anything and I'll answer it honestly. It's just more of who I am, I get nervous in situations like that. Well anyways the group prayed for me and I felt nothing at the time. I actually felt worse when I went to sleep, and this morning wasn't good at all. But Driver had said in the begining sometimes it take time for God to work in us ( I know this for a fact it has taken me over 6 months of praying and reaching out to God to be at peace with my ex). I can say that right now I feel amazing! I am happy and filled with joy. I can't wait to read His word, rejoice and thank Him.  I have so much to thank Him for.  What do you have that you can thank God for?