Finding My Identity.

These past few weeks have been a crazy ride for me. Words can’t even
begin to explain what has happened. We have had several nights of
intense worship and prayer. Some were nights I’ll never forget. I had
received visions from God of what was to come for next year. I had
gotten a vision of Africa and within that was hurt everywhere, everyone
was crying, kids were starving, families were broken, it was a pure
hectic scene. I wasn’t sure what all of this meant so Driver had wanted
us to go into this sort of “trans” again. I had cleared my head
completely and asked God to tell me what this meant. I saw and heard
the words “Becca belongs in Africa”. It was very strange, I couldn’t
tell if this was something my brain was making up or what, but I had
really heard this voice. It was a very simple, humble, quiet voice of a
little child. It was soothing to listen to. I had asked this calm voice
“what was to come with Seth?” than I heard the word “Office” Shortly
after I had gotten that Driver told me to get up. So than we sat
around and talked about these things. I was honestly freaked out
because Seth had basically seen the same things I had. Becca said she
saw that I belonged in Africa in the Awakening. I just thought that was
hog wash, in no way shape or form did I want to be part of that, part
of me felt I was more mature than the kids who were going. In the end,
Becca is becoming a servant leader on the FYM Africa Awakening trip,
Seth is going to be working in the office very closely with Jeff Goins.
When we were done with this I’m not sure how this subject came up but
it ended with me explaining why I didn’t feel comfortable in the dark.
Ashley Hall had just been gone for a while and I had the room to myself
but I slept with all the lights on. During this time I was terrified of
the darkness, not because I thought a monster was going to come after
me but because I felt something pure evil in the dark that was waiting
for me. It was something I was quit embarrassed to share with the
group. But they all understood , and took it very well. Driver than
came up with this idea that he wanted to do the baptism of the holy
spirit. I had never heard of this but he explained it as the process of
bringing the holy spirit out more in each individual. I had decided to
give it a shot. Something strange happened shortly after, Driver went
next door to get Kayla, Ashley, and their friend to help us. While he
was there I become very upset and angry. I had no idea why, but I was
just so angry at every person in the room and even the ones who
weren’t. During this baptism of the holy spirit God had showed me that
I have this natural wall up around my heart. I give love out to others
but don’t allow anyone to love me back. I’ve been hurt so much in my
past by those who were closest to me that I’ve learned to do this with
out thinking about it. He had taken me to the beach and had me become
completely calm and I had started walking with God. He was this totally
chill guy who had dreads, board shorts, and a white button up shirt on.
He was completely a surfer type you’d see in a movie. He had within a
second disappeared. All that was left of Him was His foot prints in the
sand, so I had started running towards those prints and following them,
that lead to me running as hard and fast as I could as night and day
were flying by. (Now I’ve never read that “Footprints” poem but my
guess is it has something to deal with that haha.) After that Kayla and
Driver came near me and prayed over me. Kayla had said the words that
set in confirmation that I still had things I needed to fix. Some where
a long the lines of me needing to allow God to love me, and letting
others do the same. After all of this happened I was still very angry
and upset. I had just wanted everyone to leave my apartment so I could
be alone. Finally God revealed to me what the “darkness” meant to me.
It was a the enemy’s way of waiting for me, trying to pull me back
into my old life style. That life style of a downward spiral that lead
me to a life filled of nothing,hate and complete emptiness. After all
the praying was done Seth was literally on the floor laughing so hard,
Becca was crying her heart out, and Ashley was very calm. I was still
upset and seeing all this, and how the holy spirit had worked in them
made me even angrier. The next morning I had woke up feeling the same,
I hadn’t talked to anyone about the night or how I felt. I was worried
of what the others would say. I was like this for a couple of days not
knowing why I had felt this way. Finally it hit me like a brick wall. I
was angry, and just mad at the other interns. I was jealous of what
they had. At that time they knew what they were doing the next year
coming, some had been offered jobs in the office and others were
planning on going out on the field. It made me feel horrible I felt I
had worked so hard this year and gotten no where but I got a gold star
for trying. This made me even more upset. I had never tried this hard
at anything. Most things were just “whatever” in my book, but I am
trying so hard to change all of that because a life of “whatever” isn’t
what I want. I was angry at myself, I hated myself, I felt like a
failure. I failed at something that you can’t “technically” fail at,
serving God. On that Wednesday we had decided to go camping with the
world racers at their training camp. On the way there I choose to drive
with Caroline because at that point I was about to kill one of the
interns. Plus I knew I needed to talk to someone about how I felt
because bottling this all up wasn’t good. In the car her and I had a
very serious conversation. She was amazing at helping me out and
telling me some of the things she had gone through was currently at the
moment that related. When we arrived at the camp site, we had walked
around for a while and explored at that point I was feeling a little
bit better from my talk with Caroline. After a few hours the World
Racers had a bonfire going and in that a huge log across it. The were
all laying down something that had been holding them back from growing
closer to God in their relationship. It was inspiring to hear some of
the things they were struggling with. Here in my head this whole year I
had thought I couldn’t do the World Race because I don’t know enough,
I am still a mess , and I have all these issues to deal with. Than
Driver felt the need when they were done to call us interns a side as
long with some of the staff we are close to in the office. He had
wanted up to lay down the things that were standing in our way of
growing closer to God. It was very hard at first but I knew and felt
that God wanted me to lay it all down. I am so broken that there’s not
even pieces to pick up, I’m basically dust at this point. One by one
the other interns laid down their cares, worries, and troubles giving
them all to God. Finally it hit me, I was so nervous I didn’t even know
what I was saying. I finally started speaking laying one thing down at
a time, I became a mess and cried more than I ever had in front of
people. There was literally a water fall of snot and tears running down
my face. I had laid down my past relationships, my anger and hate
towards the people I love most ( not just the interns), my bad body
images, and asked God to break that wall to my heart and allow me to
let others including Him love me. I have so much more I could add to
that list but at the moment that’s all God wanted me to work on. I felt
so free and liberated after that. I had truly felt God there and
working in all of us. I began praying for others and I realized in the
beginning of this internship I WOULD HAVE NEVER OF DONE THAT! I found a
love I have for praying for others, and they aren’t even my words. I
just let the Holy Spirit take control and tell me what to say. That
night was by far the best night I’ve had here in a while. In the mist
of all of this clarification and liberation I felt something else
happening to me. I felt true happiness and I knew what I wanted to do.
I want to become part of the Africa Awakening team as a participant I
had completely forgotten all my pride and stubborness . I want to build
such strong relationships with these people that I can completely and
fully be there for them. I want to serve God in Africa. All in this is
me being worried, worried I’ll be forgotten by my friends at home.
Another year away from home… another year of serving God and feeling
somewhat alone. I’ve learned that I depend on people to help me with my
self image problems. I need to stop doing this, they don’t have the
right to tell me who I am, only God has that authority. When I was
younger my friends would constantly push me out, if I wasn’t the center
of attention than I was being pushed out and ignored. I had troubles
growing close to girls, I didn’t understand them and how some had
multiple personalities it seems. Some will be completely nice to your
face than turn their back and talk about you. That’s why I always hung
out with more guys than girls. I’m not saying I was perfect as a kid I
was by far the most confusing and horrible little monster ever. Well
tonight something along those lines happened, I wasn’t sure how to
respond and I got angry and slightly jealous. I felt like someone had
started pushing me away and a door was being closed in my face. That
wasn’t the case at all it was just my past blinding me and me doing
things with out noticing I’m doing them. I am still trying to process
all of this and I’m still learning. I am learning God will never be
finished pruning me, He is constantly working on something and making
me better. I’ve learned that these habits I do without noticing need to
be broken and torn down. I’ve learned that people don’t make up my
identity, the things I accomplish don’t make up my identity, I don’t
make up my identity, and most importantly the things I fail at don’t
make up my identity. God is the one who molds me and shapes me, He is
the one who has control over my identity. Of course I could take this
into my own hands and shape myself but that’d be a empty and selfish
life, I wouldn’t be who I am today if I did that. In all of this I am
still not done growing and being pruned.

1“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain
in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it
must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain
in me.

 5“I am the vine;
you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear
much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If
anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away
and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and
burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

 9“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I
no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his
master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything
that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You
did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear
fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you
ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other.

– John 15:1-17.