This moment in life I have to say hasn't been smooth. There are more bumps and pot holes in my path than I thought. Granted they are being fixed and soon a new path will appear. If there's one thing I'm certain about it's who I am, but at this moment if someone would ask me who I was I don't believe I could answer that question. I find myself second guessing everything from my being here all the way to the words that came out of my mouth a second ago. I just don't know anything anymore. I thought I knew enough to get me by but slowly I'm finding that I don't. I don't know if it's all part of being broken down but boy… I'll tell you what, if God is breaking me down more I'm afraid their will be nothing left of me. I'm broken in every way possible, I just want God to fill me back up again . Maybe there's more walls to be broken down than I thought. I for sure don't know. We don't seem to see our problems or emotional boundaries until they SMACK us in the face.  I'm not so worried about what others think of me anymore or what they may say behind my back.  I'm more worried about my relationship with my Father, the King of all Kings, the Lord of all Lords, the Almighty powerful God.

I know that everyone comes to times when the question their faith and their life, I just don't understand why this point in time has been going on so long. I know the cause all starts with my emotions, and my feelings. Like at the moment I feel very hopeless and disconnected from God ( make that everyone!).  Hopelessness has grasp me in it's grips and I know that's the devils playground. That's his way of coming back into my life and  sowing these seeds of doubt. Doubt, Doubt, Doubt we hear that word a lot when it comes to people and their faith but have you ever taken the time to really think about that word. We use it so loosely when it comes to our faith I mean doubt the word  basically means  to distrust something, or  to be skeptical.  A word I think fits better for the state of mind I'm in, with my faith is a mental reservation, or my unstated DOUBT that prevents me from following my faith wholeheartedly.  I mean doubt is still involved but I am not completely skeptical or distrusting God.. I am more less questioning my myself and my faith. I know there is a God and His son Jesus Christ died for our sins. I'm having more of an issue with letting my self completely die and giving it all to God without QUESTION or reservation. From all this "doubting my faith" it has given the devil more room to bring out  habits or instincts and thought processes. A lot of my "old habits" are coming up again from when I was younger, I am letting these thoughts destroy who I am today. If I do that I will end up the same old Ashley as before.  I have questioned my being here in Gainesville many times since I've been back. There were many times I was ready to just pack up and leave, it has nothing to deal with anyone but myself and my "thoughts" or should I say  lies that the enemy has sown in my brain. In the end I  had to think about it and what it meant, to me it'd be me walking away from something God wants/told me to do, walking away from my faith, walking away from something once again without completing it, and worst of all letting Satan win this fight. All in which I am not ready to let happen! I am going to stay here and fight  for my faith and for my God. I know God is with me at all times I just wish at moments like these He would reveal Himself to me in some way or another. I know though that He is watching and He is observing how hard and fast I'm running after Him.

I have an opportunity to be a servant leader on a trip of my picking ( with approval though of course!) but I feel as though I am in no state of mind to make that choice yet. I know for a fact that the cost of the trip would be an issue. I was considering trying to be on the World Race next year in January, which that is about $14,000 for a missions trip 11 months and 11 different countries with more blessing and memories than money can buy. If I do decide to go on this trip and I am accepted, there would be no way I could afford to do the servant leader position. If I did go as a servant leader I know I would want to go to either Thailand or Philippines. For now though I am giving it to God and letting Him choose my path. I just pray it's not to late by than. I don't know what's to come ahead of me and it's pretty scary, this internship is flying by quickly and I feel as though I have not grown spiritually enough, or where I'd hope to be by now. I am currently trying to get "back on track" with my reading and devotion times daily. I'm just a strong believer in not letting my devotions become a habit or worst of letting my faith drift into that place! I want to read God's word because I want to read it! I found myself reading the bible more when I was at home, and in the beginning of this internship. After the 1st semester though I wasn't reading much at all. I know I can not think of it as work though that's the first thing. I also don't have a set time everyday where I read His word, I just wing it if you will. I'm a very go with the flow kind of person. So when I come home from work and I want to read I will jump into it and let the Lord show me what He wants to teach me that day.  I have been reading ( well the last few days anyways)  and all caught up on the year bible, I am so excited because I have read the Bible before just didn't remember it ( I was very young and in school). Ashley Hall Connie and I are all reading it and this Thursday we are going to Olive Garden to talk about it. I am so excited for Olive Garden as well!!  I am happy that we will get to sit down and talk about, because I'm a very visual and fact kind of person, so if I don't know the smallest thing it could confuse me on the whole story. Well this has gone completely off topic.

 I would like to apologize to everyone here in Gainesville at this moment, for I know my bad attitude and depression hasn't been so nice to deal with. I have been more snappy lately on top of that and I have cried many tears over  all this because I feel bad even when I say sorry about it.  I had let the enemy get the worst of me and in spite I took it out on those around me. Once again I am sorry, there's not much else to say but that I just pray you can forgive and forget those things because that's not WHO I AM.

Well for now my readers I am off to bed and I will be posting soon, hopefully I will be past all this and God will reveal Himself to me once again.