Ashley King : Being God's Hands & Feet - A King in His Kingdom

Fallen, Trying To Get Back Up. The Ugly Truth.

Tue, 7 Jul 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Boy since being home have I fallen off the horse. Before I get ahead of my self let me just start off this way.

Coming home from the field is something that's exciting, you get to come home to your loved ones tell them what the Lord has shown you and what He has done through you or your team. You expect to have family and friends holding their arms open to embrace you and hear everything that you've learned. Well in my case it's a little different. Family I have yes and they are amazing and friends..well I don't have that many here really to be honest. (Who I used to be is a reflection of most of my friends. I can tell you they think I'm crazy and think I'm the last person on earth to have found faith. I still love them though.) So coming home I expected it to be different. This is basically where I screw up, I've been a lone since being home. I ended up with a number of medical problems one of which being TB. I was told I could have cancer ( turned out I didn't don't worry) and spent a couple of days in the ER. There was just so much to handle a lone. My family was there yes, but to be honest living in community has screwed me up. I yearn for that community again. With everything going on I started drinking again, among some other things. I also stopped attending church, and my daily time with the Lord has gone out the window. It's just so easy to fall into the world when you don't have the support of believers around you. I started dating a guy who isn't a believer, he was great and treated me like a princess. I felt special with him, but he ended it all just recently. I thought he was what I needed to be happy. Now I'm here, a lone, confused, ashamed of myself, and with no plans for my life. I know there's glory in it all some where. The Lord is here some where I just need to find Him and listen. I'm trying to get back on the horse but it's hard when there's no one there to help you up.

Why?

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 00:00:00 GMT

We always ask God why. Why did my aunt die? Why are people starving? Why are their orphans? The questions could go on and on forever. The answer is simple because He is God! God is so big and divine yet we try to understand His work. He knows ALL yet we question His decisions on almost everything. We ask Him to make Himself known to us yet we fail to realize EVERYTHING around us is proclaiming His mighty name. We wake up and forget or just don't feel like loving the Lord. Imagine if He forgot us or forgot to love us. If we truly were living life the way the Lord called us too by loving others more then we love ourselves, there would be no starvation, murder, no rich or poor, no one better than the other, no orphans. Oh the list would go on! We need to get a revelation of this divine love this crazy passion the Lord has for us that He gave us His only son to die for our sins. Everything He has called us to do is to praise Him and to glorify His name. I want to seek His face; I want to glorify His name; I am but a servant an empty vessel for His purpose. If He chooses to us me praise Him, if He doesn't praise Him! He is worthy of our praise, worthy of our life.

I challenge you look at the stars, the trees, the ocean, the earth, just anything and see Gods face in it all. How can their not be a God? I also want to encourage you to read Crazy Love by Francis Chan.

A Simple Prayer

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 00:00:00 GMT

God I'm tired of hearing the same stories over and over. Of hearing the same routine of things. I know you have a will and a plan for everything. I know sometimes you change someone instantly but a majority of the time you take your time perfecting the creations you have spent so long to make. Father I just don't understand sometimes do I ? Look at how you worked in my life, how you had pursued me my entire life, I fell astray from you and you brought me back. But only after some time. All for the glory of your name. Lord I just want to see a change in these peoples lives. Especially in the street kids. The only way they will change is by you Father. You choose to fit me into this equation, you choose to use me and my team. Father I am but an empty vessel, use me to glorify your mighty name. I want to be all I can be in your name, but I want to be humble not proud. I want to be a servant, not complaining. I just want you to mold me into the woman of you I can become. I want to be patient while you work in me something new. Lord thank you for this day and for the breathe I've taken today.

Update...

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Well Joshua Project has been closed the past 2 weeks and may be closed this next coming week. So please pray that my team and I can do what God wants us to do the next week or two.

Things on the team are going great we are breaking down some walls and becoming more of a community. The more I think of the fact that we only have 3 more months the more I want to cry (yet rejoice because I get to see my family,friends, and DOGS!). It's still exciting every time I look around and think "wow I'm in Africa"! haha I honestly have no idea what I want to do when I go home. The more I ponder that the more nervous I get because I don't want to have a "normal" life. I want to go to school and so on but at the same time I don't haha. Oh the confusion I'm sure when I go home I'll have more of a glimps of what God wants me to do.

Well if anyone who reads this has any questions about anything please leave me a comment and I'll reply as soon as I can :)

The Forgotten Kids

Sat, 7 Feb 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Imagine, if you will, what it would be like to be..

Rejected by your family, looked at as another mouth to feed.

Rejected by your community, looked at as a nuisance.

Rejected by yourself, trashing your body for a mere moment of escape.

Rejected by the world, branded hopeless.

This isn't something that the forgotten kids of Jeffery's Bay have to imagine. This is everyday life for them. These kids are between the ages of 10-18 years old. They are deemed hopeless, people have tried to bring them out of the darkness but they get pulled back in. They are from broken families where most of them have no fathers or they see their fathers abusing their mothers. Abusive nature is nothing but normal here. It's no big deal to go three or four days without food. They'd rather sleep on the streets then sleep at home, some don't even have homes to resort back too. Before we even came they had captured our hearts, since being here we've fallen in love with them. God has put a burden on our hearts to stand in the gap on behalf of these kids. We are asking you the body of Christ to intercede with us. Please consider joining us by fasting and praying on Mondays. These kids are not hopeless, our Father above hasn't given up on them nor should we.

Time

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 00:00:00 GMT

Time is such a funny thing that we never really think about till we want more of it or we want it to pass by quickly. Time is what we have on this earth, time is what we have with the people we love, time is what we have. At this moment in life I would of loved to spend more time with the people I care about most. Thinking about how silly I was growing up I used so much time on my friends and not enough with my family. Where are those friends now, well they are no longer part of my life. Those chapters have been closed. Being here apart of this team I have come to realize that more than anything I wish I had a group of friends like this, supportive, encouraging, and just there for each other like an oddly placed family. Time has for sure flown by way to fast with this special group of people. I wish I had more time to figure out what God had wanted me to learn last semester. I know I learned a lot but to tell what it is exactly I couldn't do. The time I spent with my team was by far precious. The only thing I would have changed was I would have invested more time into each person, I felt like I was so lost and confused (still am) on what God was trying to show me, so caught up in my own world that I didn't focus enough on the people around me. Now God knew what He was doing by placing these people in my life for a certain period of time then taking them away, He knew what values, behaviors, attitudes, and ect. I would have learned from these people. I can praise Him for placing them in my life for this period of time. Time is something I wish I had more of with my beloved Aunt Vicki . She was placed on Hospice around December 20^th 2008 and was told she had 4-6 weeks left to live. She has as of January 13^th 2009 passed away. She was suffering from cancer and had been for a couple of years now. The good thing is she is no longer in pain. Being away from my family during this time is one of the hardest things I've had to do on this trip. Not being able to be there while the whole family was saying their last goodbyes and morning together. I could only pray for my family , it's a lot different when you're an ocean away from the people you love most and can't see them in a time of need. Thinking about the time she had on this earth and how it boiled down to those last moments. What would be going on in your head if you were told you had a matter of weeks, days, hours, mins, or seconds to live. Here in Africa there are people who are dieing daily of HIV/AIDS who know they only have an X amount of time to live. I can't imagine what it's like to know, your time has come to say good bye to the ones you love. Looking back on your life and everything you've done... was it worth it? Was the schooling, hope, jobs, relationships, friends, conversations, money, values, and exedra worth it? Everything you invested your life into worth it? I pray for everyone reading this that it was worth it. The thing I admire most about my aunt is the fact that she knew what was coming and she still had solid faith in God. She believed He was there with her till the end. She had just sent me a package full of ministry supplies ( bible coloring books, story books, crayons, and glue) for the kids at Ithemba. The girls who work at the clinic are praying that the patients who have HIV/AIDS can find that same kind of hope that my Aunt had even though she wasn't healed. Faith and hope that God is still there with them even during these times, and the knowledge that He isn't the one who caused any of this. http://www.stevensandgrass.com/obituaries/tribute.html?urlName=Vickie-Sue--Moles-Charleston-WV-2009&urlID=85010466

Time is what I have here in Jeffery's Bay, time with the people I come in contact with and time doing what God has called me too. I am praying that God can use me and my team during this time, that we can start seeing even the slightest fruit from the last teams that have come through. I believe that God is not giving up on Jbay and nor should we. There are days that are so hard to keep going, to find motivation to keep building relationships with the people around me. With the street kids who after telling me they want to quit smoking glue are high on it a day later, to see them as the beautiful children they are, then change in an instant into a wild barbarian out for vengeances when another kid takes their hat. To know that there's nothing I can do to change them, that God is the only one who can change someone's life with that effect. I want to see these people not relying on us but to rely on God. Yeah at times it will be tough, but to see them push through with Christ's love, knowing He isn't the one who is doing these horrible things to them. I feel the kind of hope we have to offer the world is not a kind of hope that says everything will be easy but a kind of hope that tells truth with love.

HERE!

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT

Just a fast little update we are here! I love it! We are just getting a little settled in and getting a feel for the surroundings! I miss everyone at home. I will write more tonight and try to update soon. Love you all.

HERE!

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 00:00:00 GMT

Update Since I've Been Home.

Sat, 5 Jul 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I just thought I'd write a really fast blog and let everyone know how much I miss them. I miss the people I got close too over the past 10 months. It's hard going from place to place. While I'm home I have to remind myself that I'm not here for that long.. only about 2 months. It's no easy task getting "settled" in. I feel like it's the first days of school and I don't know how to act or who to talk to.. I have SOO much that needs to be done. I have appointments to set up, I might be going to a camp on Monday with one church, and then another with a different church, I need to support raise. It's easy to say not to worry about it. I am starting to just a little, more so with my bills I need to pay BEFORE I leave. I know God will supply for my trip because it's where He wants me, but what about my bills. I don't want to leave knowing my parents are going to have to pay it. Hopefully I figure something out. I am talking to 2 churches to see what they can do for me with support raising. My father's company that he works for has my letter but I have yet to hear ANY word for them. He is having men from his work coming to him telling them they are going to pledge. It means so much to have support from people. It honestly makes me want to cry, with the economy suffering so horribly, and gas prices rising. For someone who is barely making it to support me is just heart warming. It's God's way of letting me know He has it all handled and the enemy can't stop God's will for me.. and for my team.

Well Tomorrow is my nephews 1st birthday party!! I'm so excited.. and so is he. He is a very happy baby, and he is developing this unique personality. I love spending time with the little guy. Well that's about all the craziness going on right now. So thank you all for reading and loving me even though I mess up.. A LOT.

"It's still June and you're here."

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 00:00:00 GMT

As I sit here sipping on my soy chocolate milk, with boxes all around me, heaps of messiness, and The Almost blaring while I'm singing. I can't help but to think this is the beginning of the end. God has ended this chapter in my life and now it's moving on to the next. Next week I will be at summer camp with my youth kids then once I return I plan on driving home. A couple of nights ago I went to the AMB training camp to see my fellow team mates ( in case you don't know Becca, Seth, and Ashley Hall are servant leaders on these high school one month trips). Sitting in the back watching I couldn't help but to feel so proud of them. They were fully taking on the roles of leaders on their trips. They were grabbing each team mate and praying for them, and just being well.. Grown up. The second night I went to go see them it was their last night in Gainesville GA. While all them and their teams were so pumped and excited to go, I was sitting in the back mourning. I was crying like I had just lost them forever. Things will NEVER be the same. I wont get to come in my room at night and talk my head off to Ashley Hall, or have cookie/bubble parties on the balcony. I won't get to see Seth daily and laugh at all his funny jokes. I won't get to eat Becca's cookies (which may make me lose a few ha). I kept thinking of all the "I won't" things instead of seeing what is in store for me and them in the next chapter. Everyday is a growing and learning process for us as humans. Well we have hit our peak with each other, learned what God wanted us to learn from each other. God is choosing to close the chapter and start writing the next. I get to be with Becca and Em next year. Honestly, that's amazing! I'm so blessed that God didn't write them out completely. I get to see Ashley Hall and Seth when I come back for training camp. It's going to be nice but it will never be the same. I am blessed to have spent the time I have spent with them.

"It's June and you're still here." Those were the words that were uttered over me recently by two of my leaders. I have to say it is nice that I am still here and didn't give up or run away. I never realized till this year that I run away from things when they get bad. Since I was younger ignoring the MAIN problem was always my way around things. Well this internship was the wall I could not run around. I didn't want to let myself, my family, or most importantly my Father down. All those people who told me I was wasting my time here will never understand what I did here, or my relationship with God. I feel like I graduated from AIM ha. It's so refreshing to be out of the office but yet so sad. I will miss the people there so much. They are some solid people with faith like a mountain. People I could still learn from. I have great relationships with some of them and some friendships that will hopefully last a lifetime. I say hopefully because I am tired of having friends that leave just as quickly as they come in my life. Well if there's anything I can say about this year it's that I love the people I am around, and I love how they make me feel. I am running after God and nothing is going to stand in my way.

Watch and Learn.

Mon, 26 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT

Well there's not much to say on here besides the fact that the year is coming to an end. Things have been getting a little odd around here lately. I still love my team but I know once the year is over things will be different. I am slowly preparing myself for when I go home. I know I have friends who don't even believe in God and it'll be a little different to hang out with them. I won't stop hanging out with someone just because they have different beliefs then me. How would I show God's love to them if I walked away from them? In my eyes that's just not very Christ like or it'd be kicking in the stereotypes that Christians are "too good". I still love my friends just as much if not more. I just know I will need to prepare myself for some harsh joking. Someone amazing (cough *Caroline* cough) told me I need to pray that God prepares their hearts for when I'm home. So I am doing that. Things at home will be crazy yet exciting for me. I miss being with my friend and going out every night. I miss going to the gym and playing with dogs. I miss the beach and my house. I miss my family and my nephew! I'm just so filled with anticipation that I can't explain it enough. I have roughly around 6 more weeks left. Ashley, Becca and Seth are leaving in 3 weeks. I will honestly be very sad to say bye to them knowing that I won't see them for so long. Em and I will be left to hold down the fort for 3 weeks. I am leaving after the churches youth camp. Which is going to be a whole new experience for me! I've gone to church camp only two times and now I'm going as a leader. This will be something to look forward to. During D-Now I connected to the high school girls SOOO well I can't imagine what it will be like spending a week with them.

This year has been one for the books in my world. I have never had this type of experience ANYWHERE. I would have never of grown this much if I would had stayed home instead of calling Vicki last minute and seeing if it's ok if I still come. (Honestly I would most likely not believe in God now and be living the lifestyle I had before.) I am honored to have met everyone here. There were so many times when I wanted to pack up and leave, because things were too hard or too messy. I pulled all the bones out of my closet and this year was a chance for me to see.. I don't have it all together and I am messed up. I am still broken but God is restoring me piece by piece. There are still things I struggle with and still things I do wrong. In no way shape of form am I ok or do I have my ducks in a row. In fact my ducks are scattered all over the yard except for one duck. That's the duck that knows it's in love with God and wants nothing more than to chase after Him. (this is my favorite duck!) I am happy that I stayed and toughed out the year. It's funny I would rather go to an intense training physically then do anything emotionally. If I've learned anything this year it's been that growing well sucks. It hurts. It's no walk in the park. Basically it's God stripping you down to nothing and you coming to a point of surrendering everything you have. Which I believe I came to this year. I am praying that this continues on while I'm at home and that I continue to grow there and prepare myself for Africa.

Prayer:

My aunt Vickie. She needs all the prayer she can get.
My high schoolers- they are already getting upset that us interns are having to leave them.
Me-For strength while I'm at home, and for help with my devotions ( I need to stop putting them off)

Wake Up Calls.

Sat, 17 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT

It's 5 am in the morning and there's my father nudging me and saying my name "Ashley, Ashley, ASHLEY, you need to get up for school" No matter how much I hated this at the time, how rude I was, how grumpy and upset at him I was he still did this every morning with a smile on his face. I am by NO MEANS a morning person. I had hated school beyond belief but knew I had to roll out of bed, take a shower, eat, get dressed, drive half way to school, than walk about 1 mile to school (my sister didn't have a parking permit for the school). This was all the process of going to a place I had hated, a place where I felt more a lone than ever, no one understood me there I was made fun of by kids and teachers. Some days while I was at school weren't so bad though, there were days my friends and I would have a blast, I would sleep through classes, win some political debates ( I used to love this), and just have a good day. Not every day was as horrible as I thought.

This process reminds me a lot of what God is doing in my life, He has given me a WAKE UP CALL. He is softly nudging me and saying "Ashley, Ashley, Ashleyget up". Before I was completely up I would grumble, complain, and say things out of harshness. Through this all God had a smile on His face and love in His heart. He cared for me so much He took the time to wake me up. Well I am up and in the process of getting ready, all the painful task I have to do to prepare myself for the day are on my plate. I am still being pruned and He is still working on me. If I want this change in the world, I have to be the change. As much as all of these things may hurt, or in our human minds "just aren't fare!" They are things that need to be done, things that God is using to shape me into the woman He wants me to be. Not the woman I WANT TO BE(thank God for that ha). He is preparing me for my long day at school, and though some of those day will not be the best, others will be GREAT. Now unlike the days when I was in school, I am looking forward to those bad days and those great days.

Part of my wake up call was the fact that I am not spending time with my Father, my Savior, my EVERYTHING. How could I be so mistaken of the things I say and do? I want change in the world, I want to see people devoting their self's to God. People fully on fire for Him. I want the world to stop telling us what to chase and I want people to CHASE our maker. If I want these things I need to be these things, part of that is spending time with God daily. Here I have been so selfish, I've been talking to friends online, face booking, myspaceing, sleeping, working out, tanning, and just anything so simple and small. Things that we wouldn't think is taking our time from our father! Things that our for ourselves. Things that won't matter in a week, a month or even years from now! I am 100% selfish and out for myself. I want instant gratitude in my life. I am a servant acting like the master. I am learning to lay down my life daily and something has come in my way myself. Currently in my bible studies God has showed me verses about PRIDE, SELFISHNESS, and what is means to truly be a SERVANT. I am struggling in all of these areas in my life. I am trying to be selfless, a faithful servant (who won't grumble or complain), and be completely humble. I can't be these things without God in my life.

He kept leading me to the same verse for a couple days now and that verse is written in the bible twice (that I know of) Psalms 105:4 and 1 Chronicles 16:11.

" Look to the Lord and His strength; SEEK HIS FACE ALWAYS"

I am honestly trying to seek His Face from all that I do. I am trying to rely on His strength and not my own, and Look to the Lord through out life instead of looking for people or things for comfort and reassurance.

I ask you as my readers, my friends, my brothers and sisters if you see me being proud, being an un loyal servant, complaining, grumbling, speaking wickedly against my brothers or sisters, being selfish, or not seeking His face in what I'm doing. I ask you to REMIND me, that these are not things of the Lord, they will just be me holding myself back.

There's more to life than living for myself.

Chasing What The World Wants Us Too.

Wed, 7 May 2008 00:00:00 GMT

What will I have to Show...

What will I have to show 10 years from now?

Will I have a big house on the beach with a white picket fence?

Will I have the newest fastest car out?

Will my husband buy me diamonds and flowers every time we argue?

Will I go on monthly vacations to Hawaii?

Will my kids have all the toys and pleasures in the world?

Will I have everything the WORLD is telling me have?

No I won't in reality..why because I don't want those things.

The reality is, those things mean NOTHING. They are just things, just material, they won't last forever. Once you're dead and gone those things will no longer matter.I highly doubt at your funeral someone will say on your behalf " well it sucks that BLAH BLAH is gone, what I loved most about them is their really big house, and money". (that's not what I want to be rememberd for!) I walk around confused because I've been brought up in a society that tells me I need to buy this or do this to make me happy. I get so angry when I process these things! What if we prevented this virus or society disease from spreading through out America? How would my high school kids act, if the magazine they were reading told them God was what they needed, instead of a new $300 phone? Honestly, I want to be part of this revolution that I see coming to life, I want to see those walls broken down. Americans are beginning to open their eyes, people are seeing there's more to life than what the WORLD tells us. There's more than just materials,more than anything a magazine or the world has to offer, there's a GOD who created us, who loves us no matter what. There's freedom in HIM and forgiveness, ultimate love, grace and understanding. Our father isn't too stuck up or busy to not be there for us. He isn't trying to impress us or buy us with the cool new gadgets. He is THERE and that's all we need.

What matters is the people around you. The relationships God places in front of you. Your neighbors, your bank teller, the guy who pumps your gas for you. Those are the relationships that matter. Here I walk around so embarrassed or scared to talk to these people. At times I even think I'm to good to talk to the guy who is staring at me with one tooth in his mouth. What am I thinking? Too good, too embarrassed.. If Jesus walked around thinking and feeling these things we'd all be screwed.

I heard a couple speak today at AIM . They were truly inspiring. I didn't even know them and yet I was on the brink of crying. The words they spoke were encouragement that this is what I want to do with my life. The most incredible thing I think I heard today was the words of the others around them, their friends who knew them. I heard over and over how strong their faith is. They had almost unspoken faith, faith so strong that those who don't know Christ would call them insane for doing some of the things they did. Like giving their house away, YES GIVING! This is the faith I want. I want to undoubtedly know that God will provide for me, and will guide me where I want. I just need to open my eyes, and be willing. The woman had also said how in the hard times they would look up instead of looking down or pointing fingers. This is how sin starts, when you point fingers all the other feelings come into to play ( jealousy, anger, gossip, and so on). They would look up and allow God to use the circumstance to teach them. I felt convicted when she spoke these words. I feel I always point fingers, but mainly at myself. Allowing myself to be brought down giving the enemy a perfect chance to attack me.

Well hopefully this isn't TOO long for anyone to read. I'm trying to keep it short. I am mailing my support/newsletter soon if you'd like one email me your address

Prayer Request

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT

Please Pray for my Aunt Vickie (she's the beautiful woman in the far left)- She has been battling cancer for a while now. The chemo therapy she was receiving is no longer working. Her current Doctor has recommended that she seeks further help at another clinic. I am asking that those of you who read my blog please lift her up in prayer so that she can defeat this once and for all. She is the only Aunt I have on my fathers side and has always been there for me.She has been such an impact on my life as well as my sisters! I look up to her so much and admire her. My entire family loves her deeply.

Pray for me father he has just had surgery for a hernia and is in the process of recovering. He also needs help around the house and with my two dogs.

Pray about my plans for this summer- I have applied for a summer paid internship at my church to work with the youth group. Pray that I can get clarification as to where God wants me to be, and for the leaders to have wise discernment on making that choice if I belong there or not.

FINANCIAL SUPPORT- I am sending out a support letter very soon. Pray that I can get a good turn out for this. I have 12 months to raise the money I need. I know God wants me to be in Africa next year I just have to wait for Him to open those doors for me.

One of my high school girls. She isn't doing so well and has choosen a bad path to follow for the time being. My heart is breaking for her because I love her and care for her. Please pray that God gives her and her family guidance and wisdom. As well for me on how to reach out to her.And for God to use this moment in her life to speak truth into her.

Finding My Identity.

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 00:00:00 GMT

These past few weeks have been a crazy ride for me. Words can't even begin to explain what has happened. We have had several nights of intense worship and prayer. Some were nights I'll never forget. I had received visions from God of what was to come for next year. I had gotten a vision of Africa and within that was hurt everywhere, everyone was crying, kids were starving, families were broken, it was a pure hectic scene. I wasn't sure what all of this meant so Driver had wanted us to go into this sort of "trans" again. I had cleared my head completely and asked God to tell me what this meant. I saw and heard the words "Becca belongs in Africa". It was very strange, I couldn't tell if this was something my brain was making up or what, but I had really heard this voice. It was a very simple, humble, quiet voice of a little child. It was soothing to listen to. I had asked this calm voice "what was to come with Seth?" than I heard the word "Office" Shortly after I had gotten that Driver told me to get up. So than we sat around and talked about these things. I was honestly freaked out because Seth had basically seen the same things I had. Becca said she saw that I belonged in Africa in the Awakening. I just thought that was hog wash, in no way shape or form did I want to be part of that, part of me felt I was more mature than the kids who were going. In the end, Becca is becoming a servant leader on the FYM Africa Awakening trip, Seth is going to be working in the office very closely with Jeff Goins. When we were done with this I'm not sure how this subject came up but it ended with me explaining why I didn't feel comfortable in the dark. Ashley Hall had just been gone for a while and I had the room to myself but I slept with all the lights on. During this time I was terrified of the darkness, not because I thought a monster was going to come after me but because I felt something pure evil in the dark that was waiting for me. It was something I was quit embarrassed to share with the group. But they all understood , and took it very well. Driver than came up with this idea that he wanted to do the baptism of the holy spirit. I had never heard of this but he explained it as the process of bringing the holy spirit out more in each individual. I had decided to give it a shot. Something strange happened shortly after, Driver went next door to get Kayla, Ashley, and their friend to help us. While he was there I become very upset and angry. I had no idea why, but I was just so angry at every person in the room and even the ones who weren't. During this baptism of the holy spirit God had showed me that I have this natural wall up around my heart. I give love out to others but don't allow anyone to love me back. I've been hurt so much in my past by those who were closest to me that I've learned to do this with out thinking about it. He had taken me to the beach and had me become completely calm and I had started walking with God. He was this totally chill guy who had dreads, board shorts, and a white button up shirt on. He was completely a surfer type you'd see in a movie. He had within a second disappeared. All that was left of Him was His foot prints in the sand, so I had started running towards those prints and following them, that lead to me running as hard and fast as I could as night and day were flying by. (Now I've never read that "Footprints" poem but my guess is it has something to deal with that haha.) After that Kayla and Driver came near me and prayed over me. Kayla had said the words that set in confirmation that I still had things I needed to fix. Some where a long the lines of me needing to allow God to love me, and letting others do the same. After all of this happened I was still very angry and upset. I had just wanted everyone to leave my apartment so I could be alone. Finally God revealed to me what the "darkness" meant to me. It was a the enemy's way of waiting for me, trying to pull me back into my old life style. That life style of a downward spiral that lead me to a life filled of nothing,hate and complete emptiness. After all the praying was done Seth was literally on the floor laughing so hard, Becca was crying her heart out, and Ashley was very calm. I was still upset and seeing all this, and how the holy spirit had worked in them made me even angrier. The next morning I had woke up feeling the same, I hadn't talked to anyone about the night or how I felt. I was worried of what the others would say. I was like this for a couple of days not knowing why I had felt this way. Finally it hit me like a brick wall. I was angry, and just mad at the other interns. I was jealous of what they had. At that time they knew what they were doing the next year coming, some had been offered jobs in the office and others were planning on going out on the field. It made me feel horrible I felt I had worked so hard this year and gotten no where but I got a gold star for trying. This made me even more upset. I had never tried this hard at anything. Most things were just "whatever" in my book, but I am trying so hard to change all of that because a life of "whatever" isn't what I want. I was angry at myself, I hated myself, I felt like a failure. I failed at something that you can't "technically" fail at, serving God. On that Wednesday we had decided to go camping with the world racers at their training camp. On the way there I choose to drive with Caroline because at that point I was about to kill one of the interns. Plus I knew I needed to talk to someone about how I felt because bottling this all up wasn't good. In the car her and I had a very serious conversation. She was amazing at helping me out and telling me some of the things she had gone through was currently at the moment that related. When we arrived at the camp site, we had walked around for a while and explored at that point I was feeling a little bit better from my talk with Caroline. After a few hours the World Racers had a bonfire going and in that a huge log across it. The were all laying down something that had been holding them back from growing closer to God in their relationship. It was inspiring to hear some of the things they were struggling with. Here in my head this whole year I had thought I couldn't do the World Race because I don't know enough, I am still a mess , and I have all these issues to deal with. Than Driver felt the need when they were done to call us interns a side as long with some of the staff we are close to in the office. He had wanted up to lay down the things that were standing in our way of growing closer to God. It was very hard at first but I knew and felt that God wanted me to lay it all down. I am so broken that there's not even pieces to pick up, I'm basically dust at this point. One by one the other interns laid down their cares, worries, and troubles giving them all to God. Finally it hit me, I was so nervous I didn't even know what I was saying. I finally started speaking laying one thing down at a time, I became a mess and cried more than I ever had in front of people. There was literally a water fall of snot and tears running down my face. I had laid down my past relationships, my anger and hate towards the people I love most ( not just the interns), my bad body images, and asked God to break that wall to my heart and allow me to let others including Him love me. I have so much more I could add to that list but at the moment that's all God wanted me to work on. I felt so free and liberated after that. I had truly felt God there and working in all of us. I began praying for others and I realized in the beginning of this internship I WOULD HAVE NEVER OF DONE THAT! I found a love I have for praying for others, and they aren't even my words. I just let the Holy Spirit take control and tell me what to say. That night was by far the best night I've had here in a while. In the mist of all of this clarification and liberation I felt something else happening to me. I felt true happiness and I knew what I wanted to do. I want to become part of the Africa Awakening team as a participant I had completely forgotten all my pride and stubborness . I want to build such strong relationships with these people that I can completely and fully be there for them. I want to serve God in Africa. All in this is me being worried, worried I'll be forgotten by my friends at home. Another year away from home another year of serving God and feeling somewhat alone. I've learned that I depend on people to help me with my self image problems. I need to stop doing this, they don't have the right to tell me who I am, only God has that authority. When I was younger my friends would constantly push me out, if I wasn't the center of attention than I was being pushed out and ignored. I had troubles growing close to girls, I didn't understand them and how some had multiple personalities it seems. Some will be completely nice to your face than turn their back and talk about you. That's why I always hung out with more guys than girls. I'm not saying I was perfect as a kid I was by far the most confusing and horrible little monster ever. Well tonight something along those lines happened, I wasn't sure how to respond and I got angry and slightly jealous. I felt like someone had started pushing me away and a door was being closed in my face. That wasn't the case at all it was just my past blinding me and me doing things with out noticing I'm doing them. I am still trying to process all of this and I'm still learning. I am learning God will never be finished pruning me, He is constantly working on something and making me better. I've learned that these habits I do without noticing need to be broken and torn down. I've learned that people don't make up my identity, the things I accomplish don't make up my identity, I don't make up my identity, and most importantly the things I fail at don't make up my identity. God is the one who molds me and shapes me, He is the one who has control over my identity. Of course I could take this into my own hands and shape myself but that'd be a empty and selfish life, I wouldn't be who I am today if I did that. In all of this I am still not done growing and being pruned.

1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruitfruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other.

- John 15:1-17.

Learning, Waiting, Wanting...

Wed, 5 Mar 2008 00:00:00 GMT

Lately I've noticed how I see God working in my life. He is most certainly teaching me. As to what he's teaching me I can't quite pin point. I am doing back flips and bending over backwards here, all while being broken down. I know for a fact that this year is the good kick in the butt I needed. Before my life was very easy going and care free, now.. I have something to care about. MY GOD! I care so much that I am dedicating a year of my life to Him and doing His work. This makes me so happy you have no idea. I know at times though working in the office is so unbearable I just can't stand it. But it's those times I have to remember that I am not doing this to please myself or anyone else on this earth. I'm doing it for God. After coming to those terms I have to say I'm pretty thrilled with the work God has given me to do in the office. It's stretching me and helping me focus more on what I need to do in life to actually accomplish something. It's a good feeling to know that this is going to help me with my future. I'm excited to see exactly how it helps.

We have received some good news in the office. Well the interns have, we have a chance to become a servant leader on an Ambassadors trip. With that trip they are going to pay for us to go!! I'm so excited about this experience and yet I haven't picked a trip that I want to serve yet. I really want to focus on my location areas Philippines, Thailand, and India. I have been praying about this a lot and dwelling on the thought as well. I would really love to become a servant leader on a Real Life trip. I would love to serve for two months out on the field. I have been talking this over with my leaders and they have to check to see if it's something that's possible. Till I know the answer I'm just going to continue to pray and see where ever God wants me most, because that's where I want to be.

So here lately I've been thinking a lot about my future and trying to figure out where God wants me. I'm not sure to be honest. I feel like I should be out on the field serving but at the same time I want to go to school and live a normal life. Ha it's so funny to think about because I know it's what I WANT! Not what GOD WANTS! I know God has plans for me I just need them to be revealed to me. At the same time I don't know if I feel I should be out on the field because, it's kind of this idea I have in my head that if I'm not serving God on the field than I'm not a good person. I'm not sure how to word that exactly. I do know that I can serve God anywhere I am but it's just this thought that's engraved it's self in my head. I just want my parents to be proud of me where ever God places me. I also don't want them having to financially support me anymore, I want to be able to carry my own weight. That all comes with my pride I believe. The pride that I have, because I want to be independent. I have been praying and considering applying for the World Race in January 2009. I'll be 21 than and it's an 11 month long adventure for God. Everything I read about it, the stories, the magazine articles, and just hearing about it excites me in everyway possible. I would love to be a part of something so big and amazing like this. I love the fact that's it's a very free going experience and there are no leaders. The team does all the ministry a lone and just let's God completely lead them. I love the thought of that. I would love to go on a world trip and just serve God the entire time and preach His word to who every crosses my path. Well where ever God leads me next year I know it will me an adventure in it's own.

We watched a video the other day about miracles. It was so fascinating to me because to think that something God can do happens within an instant in front of your eyes! I've witnessed one miracle when I was younger. It was an experience in it's own. I was doing an outreach with my church, we went to an old persons home to just love and pray for the people in there. I was paired up with this guy Albert, he was about 17 at the time and very strong in his walk with the Lord. He and I talked with this 70 something yr old man. This man had been shot in a war and hadn't been able to walk since. So Albert and I started praying for him. Albert lead and was very passionate while he was praying, the exact words he said I can't remember. But I remember looking up at him and the older man and just being in awe of what was happening. At that time my faith wasn't so strong so this was all new to me. Finally Albert said "In the name of God stand up and walk" and at that moment the man hesitated a little but thought he would try to stand. He had stood up and his face was in complete shock he had placed one foot out and tried to walk. He had a hard time from what I can remember ( after not standing or walking for so many years I guess it was normal) but he had taken about 2 or 3 steps till a nurse had came over and made him sit. She wasn't so happy with what was going on. But the old man had started crying and kept saying thank you to all of us and to Albert. I'm not to sure this is classified as a miracle but there's no explanations or reasoning to describe what had happened that day. I know it will always be an unexplained thing that happened there but God was surely there that day. The video had some interesting footage of things that were happening around the world. People being brought back to life, people who've been blind or deaf their whole life suddenly hearing and seeing. They had also showed some places in China were being a Christian isn't so much socially accepted but they were still going to houses ( their churches) and praising God for 4 or more hours! Could you imagine what the America would be like if we were persecuted for our beliefs. I believe the people who call their selves Christians would have faith that was unbreakable. People would look at suffering for God as a great thing because to suffer for God or die for your faith is something that is so rewarding in heaven. I feel like it would almost be a good thing if America had restrictions on what we could believe. Christians would go to their secrete little churches and worship and read God's word for hours on end they would never have a enough God. Something I had asked my high school youth group girls about was if we were persecuted for our religion would they still believe in God and none of them could really answer. At that time I didn't really know what my answer would be, but I know now that God has given me a purpose and those girls one so He would be present in our lives even if something this horrible were going on. We would just pursue Him with so much more than we do now. For in my eyes if you have nothing in your life and you aren't influenced by the world than you have more to give God than anything. But because we have the worldly things and influences from all over saying we need to be financially stable, get married and so forth that we get to caught up in it all we forget about God and the things He's given us. Well I leave with this God is doing such amazing things out in this world and He's revealing Himself to people all over the world. For that I am so enthralled and I will keep dedicating my life to Him and His works.

The Awakening: Discipleship & Missions

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 00:00:00 GMT

Awaken to the Adventure

Disciples aren't born; they're made. It's a process that takes time, discipline, and God. In reality, it looks more like waking up than attending a class.

As part of The Awakening, you can undergo a discipleship program like no other, experiencing four months of intense training in another country to prepare you for the ministry that awaits you for the rest of the year.

Join The Awakening

Your mornings will be spent in training and your afternoons ministering in local communities, activating what you've learned. In the context of experiential learning, you will be discipled by mentors who want to see you grow deeply in your faith.

You will be part of a community of other individuals who share your passion and desire to come alive in Christ. This time will challenge and stretch you in new ways, and you will never be the same.

Become a part of The Awakening in either Latin America or Africa and discover your role in the kingdom of God.

You were made for greatness, to experience the abundant life and freedom that Jesus promised. As they awaken, current participants are saying:

I don't think that I will ever have such an opportunity to give up all of myself and all of my expectations as I do here. (Emily Tissot, Latin America)

The Bible study has... turned into a church. So, we have church at noon Tuesday-Friday under the tree in front of the market. I love watching as people just bring their stool/chair/water container... and join in the singing. We are going through the book of Galatians, and it is cool to see how freedom is effecting their hearts. (Denise Eckert, Africa)

For more on The Awakening, visit the First-Year Missionary website.

Today Is Just What I Needed.

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 00:00:00 GMT

I had missed work today because I had a horrible headache and couldn't move or really even see. I had decided I couldn't go to work like that because well... I wouldn't work. Plus I am in the middle of a very different transition. I have never really felt this way before and I'm not sure how to describe it. I had all these skeletons in my closet and I feel I need to let them out, inside of shoving them back in there. It's almost like putting a band aid on a cut, just cause it's covered up doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I am just handing over all that hurt, pain,and suffering to God. He wants me to forgive myself for everything I've done to myself, for putting myself in situations, for making all the mistakes that lead me astray from Him, from hurting the people in my life who cared most about me. When God forgives us He has washed our slate clean. This doesn't mean He has forgotten what we did, just He chooses not to bring it up in a negative way. If my Father God has forgiven me for my sins, than why can't I forgive myself? Well simply because I am human. We as humans see forgiveness has a way or forgetting something. Once I forgive myself for the past it doesn't mean my brain will be washed clean of those thoughts, but it does mean I won't bring those things up in a negative way, or I won't let Satan use those things as a way of bringing me down. They were simply the ways of me ending up where I am now with my faith,and my God. I can only rejoice and thank God for those things because with out them I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't have faith this strong, I wouldn't know what is it like to hurt the way I did and feel God in those times. I went through all of this stuff for a reason and He will reveal that to me soon. Forgiving myself doesn't mean I am let off the hook or does it justify what I did. All this energy I am using to harbor anger, hatred, and resentment towards myself is a waste in my eyes, this is energy I should be using on my relationship with God! I could only imagine what it would be like if this energy was focused on God.

Today when I had woke up from my nap my head was still spinning and hurting from my headache but I had wanted something to eat. So I wanted something that would make me happy. Moe's was the first place I thought of. I map quested it and found one that was only 17.79 miles away. I know that it was a good 20 -30 min drive, but I choose to take that drive. Driving for me is a form of therapy, it helps me process things. I took that drive and felt bad at first because I wanted to spend the day with God, and instead I had chosen to get something for myself. After the first 5 minuntes of thinking that, I thought " I don't have to be home to spend time with God, I can be ANYWHERE! And God wants me to be happy". I had basically spent time worshiping Him, and talking to Him. I sang songs, drove and let God speak to me through the music and my surroundings. After driving for a while I looked at my surroundings. Everything was so perfect, I was in the mountains in the middle of no where, there were small farms in the sides of these winding roads. In those farms were horses and cows eating grass, they were all so peaceful and perfectly placed. The sun was setting and the lighting on the mountainous land was absolutely amazing. God was surely with me and He was showing me all His beauty. The beauty that I needed to see, a way of knowing He was with me. He knew what I was going through and He knew most of all where my heart was. I needed this more than anything today. I laugh when I think of this, who knew I'd find God on a trip to Moe's? haha.

Last night for our Monday night session we changed things a bit, to spice things up more if you will. Driver ( our RA or leader while Dave & Vicki are gone) had said he felt God wanted us to pray for each other. At first I was thinking " oh man I have to pray out loud!" and I defiantly didn't want to let my team know this dark place of where I was. So Becca started us off and did amazing, she just opened up to us and I greatly thank her for that. I was worried it was going to just be people needing prayer for issues not to deep. Anyways, the whole team was very opened with each other and everyone pored themselves out to one another. I had prayed out loud and didn't even think about what I was going to say, I just let God take control of my wheel. I wasn't nervous at all or even stressed about it. It made me see how much I love my team, they are some of the most amazing people I've ever met! Even though we all don't get a long sometimes we all have something to bring to the table in our friendships with each other. We can all learn something from one another. What one of us lacks or is trying to build up, the other one of us has, so we all defiantly needed that this year I feel. When it was my turn to say what I needed prayer for, I didn't know where to begin, I was so tired my eyes were shutting, and I defiantely didn't say everything I needed prayer for. But I had talked about my struggles with food, and my body image. How I'm getting to a place of being so unhappy with my appearance again that I will resort to not eating to get back to where I'm happy with myself. I had also talked about how I need help opening up to people, I'm trying to reach out to 2 women right now, who I know have something I can learn from them. If I want to be dicispled this year I need to put myself in a position to be dicispled. I want to be comfortable enough to just go up to them or anyone for that fact and tell them when I'm struggling and when I need prayer. Now none of this has anything to deal with pride, because I'm pretty much an open book, you can ask me anything and I'll answer it honestly. It's just more of who I am, I get nervous in situations like that. Well anyways the group prayed for me and I felt nothing at the time. I actually felt worse when I went to sleep, and this morning wasn't good at all. But Driver had said in the begining sometimes it take time for God to work in us ( I know this for a fact it has taken me over 6 months of praying and reaching out to God to be at peace with my ex). I can say that right now I feel amazing! I am happy and filled with joy. I can't wait to read His word, rejoice and thank Him. I have so much to thank Him for. What do you have that you can thank God for?

Fight The Good Fight Of Faith.

Wed, 6 Feb 2008 00:00:00 GMT

This moment in life I have to say hasn't been smooth. There are more bumps and pot holes in my path than I thought. Granted they are being fixed and soon a new path will appear. If there's one thing I'm certain about it's who I am, but at this moment if someone would ask me who I was I don't believe I could answer that question. I find myself second guessing everything from my being here all the way to the words that came out of my mouth a second ago. I just don't know anything anymore. I thought I knew enough to get me by but slowly I'm finding that I don't. I don't know if it's all part of being broken down but boy I'll tell you what, if God is breaking me down more I'm afraid their will be nothing left of me. I'm broken in every way possible, I just want God to fill me back up again . Maybe there's more walls to be broken down than I thought. I for sure don't know. We don't seem to see our problems or emotional boundaries until they SMACK us in the face. I'm not so worried about what others think of me anymore or what they may say behind my back. I'm more worried about my relationship with my Father, the King of all Kings, the Lord of all Lords, the Almighty powerful God.

I know that everyone comes to times when the question their faith and their life, I just don't understand why this point in time has been going on so long. I know the cause all starts with my emotions, and my feelings. Like at the moment I feel very hopeless and disconnected from God ( make that everyone!). Hopelessness has grasp me in it's grips and I know that's the devils playground. That's his way of coming back into my life and sowing these seeds of doubt. Doubt, Doubt, Doubt we hear that word a lot when it comes to people and their faith but have you ever taken the time to really think about that word. We use it so loosely when it comes to our faith I mean doubt the word basically means to distrust something, or to be skeptical. A word I think fits better for the state of mind I'm in, with my faith is a mental reservation, or my unstated DOUBT that prevents me from following my faith wholeheartedly. I mean doubt is still involved but I am not completely skeptical or distrusting God.. I am more less questioning my myself and my faith. I know there is a God and His son Jesus Christ died for our sins. I'm having more of an issue with letting my self completely die and giving it all to God without QUESTION or reservation. From all this "doubting my faith" it has given the devil more room to bring out habits or instincts and thought processes. A lot of my "old habits" are coming up again from when I was younger, I am letting these thoughts destroy who I am today. If I do that I will end up the same old Ashley as before. I have questioned my being here in Gainesville many times since I've been back. There were many times I was ready to just pack up and leave, it has nothing to deal with anyone but myself and my "thoughts" or should I say lies that the enemy has sown in my brain. In the end I had to think about it and what it meant, to me it'd be me walking away from something God wants/told me to do, walking away from my faith, walking away from something once again without completing it, and worst of all letting Satan win this fight. All in which I am not ready to let happen! I am going to stay here and fight for my faith and for my God. I know God is with me at all times I just wish at moments like these He would reveal Himself to me in some way or another. I know though that He is watching and He is observing how hard and fast I'm running after Him.

I have an opportunity to be a servant leader on a trip of my picking ( with approval though of course!) but I feel as though I am in no state of mind to make that choice yet. I know for a fact that the cost of the trip would be an issue. I was considering trying to be on the World Race next year in January, which that is about $14,000 for a missions trip 11 months and 11 different countries with more blessing and memories than money can buy. If I do decide to go on this trip and I am accepted, there would be no way I could afford to do the servant leader position. If I did go as a servant leader I know I would want to go to either Thailand or Philippines. For now though I am giving it to God and letting Him choose my path. I just pray it's not to late by than. I don't know what's to come ahead of me and it's pretty scary, this internship is flying by quickly and I feel as though I have not grown spiritually enough, or where I'd hope to be by now. I am currently trying to get "back on track" with my reading and devotion times daily. I'm just a strong believer in not letting my devotions become a habit or worst of letting my faith drift into that place! I want to read God's word because I want to read it! I found myself reading the bible more when I was at home, and in the beginning of this internship. After the 1st semester though I wasn't reading much at all. I know I can not think of it as work though that's the first thing. I also don't have a set time everyday where I read His word, I just wing it if you will. I'm a very go with the flow kind of person. So when I come home from work and I want to read I will jump into it and let the Lord show me what He wants to teach me that day. I have been reading ( well the last few days anyways) and all caught up on the year bible, I am so excited because I have read the Bible before just didn't remember it ( I was very young and in school). Ashley Hall Connie and I are all reading it and this Thursday we are going to Olive Garden to talk about it. I am so excited for Olive Garden as well!! I am happy that we will get to sit down and talk about, because I'm a very visual and fact kind of person, so if I don't know the smallest thing it could confuse me on the whole story. Well this has gone completely off topic.

I would like to apologize to everyone here in Gainesville at this moment, for I know my bad attitude and depression hasn't been so nice to deal with. I have been more snappy lately on top of that and I have cried many tears over all this because I feel bad even when I say sorry about it. I had let the enemy get the worst of me and in spite I took it out on those around me. Once again I am sorry, there's not much else to say but that I just pray you can forgive and forget those things because that's not WHO I AM.

Well for now my readers I am off to bed and I will be posting soon, hopefully I will be past all this and God will reveal Himself to me once again.

20 Going On 12.

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT

Well today is my 20th Birthday. I'm excited and I'm trying to have a good attitude. I usually end up a little grumpy on my Birthday because I've had really bad Birthday experiences. haha well this time last year I was getting tattooed and I was watching the man I loved get his sleeve done.. we were driving up to NC to spend time with his family. It's so hard to forget that kind of stuff. I am fine with all of this now.. it's just like images in my head. I'm going to see the new Veggie Tales movie!! I'm so excited you have no idea..I've been waiting for this movie to come out since summer. I love computer animation movies and cartoons so much. It just makes me happy. Than I am driving Ashley Hall to the airport :( She has to get stitches out of her foot so make sure you PRAY for her safety!! I'm going to miss her, she is defiantly a person here who makes me feel good about being who I am. It's hard to explain but so many times I feel judged here and I feel that some people don't approve of who I am. I am learning not to worry what others say or think about me but it's hard because I am such a sensitive person.I feel right now like there is just a BIG lesson behind all these feelings. People are going to talk about me, they are going to judge me and make fun of me for the things I do or the things I believe, I just need to be confident with who I AM IN CHRIST. I kinda felt like turning and going back home while driving back up here but I know I want to finish this.. I have to finish this. It's so easy to turn and run away. I want to finish this and than go where ever God leads me too next. I'm excited to see where that is, I'm just patiently waiting for God's next step, for His guidance. This all goes with my favorite verse.

Psalms 119:105 " Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path"

So I came into the office Friday, to find that Connie Rock had left me some presents for Christmas! She is an amazing person and it was so nice of her to get me something. I got the coolest things from her. Among the coolest were... a pooping penguin, a lot of CANDY!!! andd the best... a Hello Kitty Toaster!! Seriously I've wanted one of these things forever I feel like. I want the whole Hello Kitty kitchen set! haha when I move out on my own, my whole kitchen will be Hello Kitty. I am seriously the biggest kid I know.. and I'm ok with that. I'm becoming completely okay with the fact that God made me a BIG KID haha. I am just happy I find joy in all the small things life brings.

I'd like to thank my mother for haveing me today.. and going through all that for me <33 She is an amazing woman and God has blessed me so much to give me a Mother who loves me and supports me.

When I need God's Guidance The Most

Tue, 8 Jan 2008 00:00:00 GMT

God is showing us His love and beauty with the world around us. We just need to chase after Him with all we have.

Father when I need you the most I can never seem to find you.It's almost like a test or trial, to see how hard and fast we run after God when we don't feel Him. There's no greater feeling in the world than when you finally get over that feeling of being a lone, doubt, or just not hearing the Lord, because when it's over your faith is stronger than it was before. I just need to trust in You and all will be fine.

I've been writing a lot lately, it's not very good but I'm going to post something. It's not a poem or anything, I'd say more just random thoughts, feelings, and emotions thrown together.

Losing
Life is one big blur
Everything is going by so fast
I am left behind, a lone to cough in this dust.
I need your guidance
I need your words.
I haven't been faithful to you my Lord.
I ask for forgiveness and I ask for your Love.
God please show me the right path.
I feel so blinded by these worldly things
I'm afraid I feel the enemy is winning this battle
He is striking my emotions
He knows where to hit
Every arrow he throws just hits my core
I feel the pain intensifying I feel my soul crying.
I fear my heart is shattered and needs to be placed in yours hands.
I feel so a lone God please show me Your love.
Father please speak words of truth to me.
Oh Lord please shield my eyes and this heart from this world, and from the enemy.

Random Thoughts at 1 am

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Ok well it's 1:19 am and I can't sleep. I have so much going on in my mind right now that I can't shut it off. I just went and bought some Birthday stuff for Ashley. Today is her 21st Birthday so I bought flowers, a hoops & yoyo card, and her present and put it next to her bed so when she awakens in the morning she will have a little surprise. I wanted a balloon but who knew they stopped blowing those up at 10! So today I realized again how bad my anxiety is, they had a little party at work and I was very nervous. There were so many people I had never met before. I know I have no reason to be nervous but I can't help it. I have grown so much since I've been here but I pray that my anxiety is something that grows less.

I have been so blessed lately with everything, I will most likely has all of my internship paid off by January or so I hope, now I have to focus on that $2,000 for the trips this year and roughly around $13,000 for next year. Right now I don't know what I'm doing but I feel it's going to involve traveling around. They have mentioned that next year they wanted a team of people to go to the training camps and bases to film and photograph! If they did do this I'd be all over this opportunity. Well after much prayer and fasting but I know my heart would be in it. I would understand if it wasn't where God wanted me. Since I've been here I am positive that I belong in Missions work. I have such a passion that God has given me to help and serve. I also love the youth of this world so greatly I just want to see them have a burning passion, love and desire to serve the Lord any way possible! I would love for the kids to see that there's more to this world than what America puts in front of us as our typical "American Dream". You know what I'm an American who dreams for more than that. I want to serve the Lord and help change the world. In my eyes sharing God's word is the way to change someone else's world which is the greatest thing ever. I just want to glorify Him. Everything I'm doing here is for my Father in heaven.

Lately I have been struggling with self doubt, Vicki has really pointed some major things I've never thought effected me that much she has helped me with them of course. I have so many things to change and grown in. I feel God is telling me He has so much more for me! More than I know and can ever dream of, this excites me because he Has the same plan for everyone. I had a good talk with Phil the other day and I saw the mistakes that I had made in the relationship, a lot of them were with self doubt, and me always asuming the worst. A lot of this stuff is caused by Anxiety and Depression. I no longer have depression but I still get a little ( VERY LITTLE) anxiety around large groups of people I don't know. Praise the Lord he is healing me and has taught me through those things. I don't regret ever having them because of the lessons and values I've learned...plus I wouldn't be here now!

Here's some pictures of my team and I on our trip down to Mexico, which by the way was AMAZING! God really showed me a lot on that trip.

My team I love them ALL!

Me in Mississippi (??) some weird beach! we needed a break from the car soooo this was it haha.

< self explanatory!

^^^The Market in Mexico ^^^^

Camping in LA! I didn't like that state much.

Tonight was our BIG Christmas party for the Interns. It was so much fun and I loved seeing everyone dressed up so pretty. I will have to blog some pictures and more stories from tonight but as for now I'm going to try to sleep.

For Him,
Ashley

It's Been A While.

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT

Well well well..time has been flying by like crazy, I feel like everything is moving at such a fast pace like I'm in the middle of a freeway and everything is flying by before I can even make out what it is. I had forgotten about my blog and I promise that it will not happen again.I am going to make it my personal goal to post something at least 2 to 3 times a week.

In other news, I had just come home from Florida. I had time off and Praise the Lord! My father bought me a plane ticket home for the holiday. I was very nervous about all of this; it was my first time on a plane! I believe I handled it well. I had grabbed the barf bag just incase because of my motion sickness. I met some very interesting people along the way. While I was at home everything again was flying by it all almost felt like work I had a very strict schedule. I got to see my family, friends, and DOGS! I didn't get to spend much time with my dad which made me a little upset. He is working the "season" right now so he works from 5 am to 8 or 9 pm every day. I hung out with my mother, sisters, dogs, and nephew a lot. I loved it. My nephew is officially the fattest baby I've ever seen. He's only 4 months old and is wearing 12 month old clothes already. I can't even begin to tell you how this whole trip home was a blessing. I caught up with some old friends of mine who just came back from their European tour. I got to spend precious time with my family and friends. One of my dogs is very sick. She is having major arthritis in her spine. It always gets very bad when it starts getting "colder" in Florida, but this time she is partially paralyzed. The vet told us that she is 15 years old and is only expected to live till she is 21 years old. I pray that she gets to live her life to the fullest. I couldn't even pet her without her being in pain from her back. I laid down on the cold tile floor while cuddling with her and cried. It's so hard to see my dog, which is so innocent be in so much pain. My father and I decided that if she is not better in 2 months that we should euthanize her, it's easier to see her go peacefully than it is to see her suffering.

So much has happened since I've been up here in GA. I feel that I am growing more as a person and spiritually. My faith has grown to extraordinary lengths but it is still not near where I want it to be. Right now with work there is so much going on and we have such little time to complete it. I feel like I have so much on my plate that I can't finish any of it. It's very stressful, but all of us here in the office are keeping a good attitude about it. If one of us is in a bad mood it kind of ruins it for the rest of us. That's how teams work though.

SUPPORT! Thank you to everyone who has given me some support right now I am currently at $1,210.00 and I still need $5,790.00. Right now I am praying that God can send those supporters to me so I can take that stress off my shoulders. It's very nerve racking not knowing if I will make it for the month. I know that God will supply to my needs if I just give it to Him.

ROAD TRIP!

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 00:00:00 GMT

The current interns and I have been very blessed recently to get the opportunity to go to Matamoros Mexico. There we will experience what it's like to be an FYM at our base. We are shadowing them for a couple of days, and I believe Driver (our leader for this trip) and the interns are going to do our "own thing" to get more of a culture experience while out there in the field. We are leaving November 29^th 2007 on a VERY long road trip down to Mexico. The first official stop on the road trip will be in Louisiana to camp out for the night at Sam Houston Jones State Park. After a good night of rest we will be driving down to the Mexico boarder where we intend to meet our ride. We will be traveling into Mexico and going to Matamoros! I'm so excited to get to experience this trip. I am half Mexican and I've always been very proud of my heritage. I am just very happy to be going to the "homeland" if you will. I know right now that the people of Matamoros are in great need. A lot of the town rummages through the dump to find anything recyclable. This is how they make a profit, or their income comes from. We leave Matamoros December 6^th 2007. We are off to New Orleans, where we will stay for 2 days. There we will be taking a tour around of the city and than checking out the local ministries. By the grace of God we will be returning home December 8^th2007. I will be posting several blog entries while I'm out on the field. I will hopefully have a camera before I leave so I can take photographs of the trip.

I will need prayer for the team and I as we are out there doing God's will. Pray that God gives me the strength and courage I need to do the work that needs to be done.

EXCITED!

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 00:00:00 GMT

I'm leaving tonight to go up to GA for my internship. I'm so excited yet I feel sad at the same time. I am leaving my family for the first time. My nephew is going to be bigger next time I see him. I won't have my dogs to come home too. But I will have amazing friends there and I will learn SO much from them all. I'm very excited to meet everyone. In other Ashley news: I am now starting a musical project with my friend Steff. She is making music and emailing it to me so her and I can work on lyrics together. than we will record them. I'm so happy to be doing thing because music is one of my passions. I am now really good friends with my EX and who knows where we will end up one day. We said we wouldn't promise anything. But right now he is working close to a church and trying to be the man God wants him to be. I am also single the guy I dated for about a month didn't work out due to some personal things. Over all I am handling life well. I am really happy for once. I know I made the right choice by choosing to go to GA.

Trials.

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 00:00:00 GMT

So I feel the need to write about something that I'm going through right now. About 2 months ago the man I was supposed to marry this year left me. We were living in the same house as each other ( he had no family in south Florida so he lived with me) At the time I thought everything was going perfect between us. We were happy, we fought sometimes, we loved each other very much. Than with a blink of an eye he had come to me crying saying he didn't love me anymore and that things in the relationship had changed. I had felt my heart break when I heard this, I actually got sick to my stomach. There's no other words to describe what I felt at that moment. For awhile I had hated myself thinking I did something wrong, and I didn't talk to anyone around me. But after a week or so of feeling bad for myself I had decided to give my pain to God and let Him help me. I had let Him tell me what Bible studies to read, and I had gone to church every second I could. Now I can see clearly that I had made a mistake. I had mapped out my life on my own with out God's guidance. I had planed on getting married living in NC ( we were about to buy a house there) and having kids within 2 years of that. I was ignoring God's call on my life and not letting Him light my path. I know God is a jealous God and He wanted my attention. I can tell you now he has it all. I want to live my life for Him and only Him. That's why I'm so happy to be taking part in this internship. I pray it leads me to where He wants me. I now don't make plans for my future or promise things to anyone because I don't know what is going to happen or what could happen.Psalms 119:105 " Your word is a lamp at my feet, and a light for my path." God only shows me the next step not several steps ahead that. If I chose to walk blindly than I would stumble in my path. Which is what I did and I stumbled pretty bad but God was there to pick me up again and wipe the tears off my face.
It is truly amazing what an awesome God we have and how forgiving He is. Well I leave you with one last thing. " Focus on what God wants you to do TODAY, not tomorrow."

An Amazing Start.

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 00:00:00 GMT

    Well this is my first blog and I'm not so sure how to start things off, so I'm just going to jump the gun and tell you some things going on in my life.
     I just got back today from touring with my friends on warped tour and it was one of the best times I've ever had! I'm so tired now from it but at the end I just thank God so much for giving me a chance to experience it all. I actualy talked to my friends about how amazing God is and all the things in my life he has given me. I had also convienced them to try going to a sub-culture church which I'm really excited for them to try it out. So something crazy happend while we were in Miami Florida. I had walked back to the van for water, only to find that we had been robbed! the front side window was smashed in, the had taken a Mac Book Pro ( worth about $3,000) all the bands money, everyones wallets (including money and IDs), three red shirts, the side mirror, a red poweraid, and my friend Tim's flip flops. There were about 8 cops helping us,so one of the cops tells me to check the pawn shops to see if the guy pawned the Mac Book. I told the guys and they went to the closest one which was half a block away,so my friend Geoff walks in and sees it on the counter, the man at the pawn shop said he had bought it for $75 from a man about 20 mins ago. So the cops had gotten it back for us. That's all we got back from this but it was the most important thing (because of the files on it). All in all I don't believe I will be going to Miami anytime soon.

    In other news, I'm starting to worry about the money for my internship. I was supposed to get the money from my fathers work ( Florida Crystal) but they havn't given me any word, or notice about that yet. So the only thing I can do is have faith, pray, and get my sponsor letters out. My church (xchurchx) is going to help me, we plan on having a bake sale, and a big dinner, than I can give my testimony and share with everyone why I am doing my internship. I know God wanted me there I just have to overcome the trials. So please pray for me I can use any help I can get right now.

    Summer camp at work ends soon. I'm excited yet very sad. After working in the same school for 3 years and having the same group of kids during that time. Having to say Good bye is going to one of the hardest things I've ever done. I see the same group of kids 5 days a week for 2-8 hours a day. I know it is for the best though, I need to prepare myself for this year coming.
Well I'm off now.

God Bless-
Ashley King.